Two days after Tim Pawlenty unveiled his “Google Test,” saying that if you can find a good or service on Google, the government shouldn’t be offering it, Michele Bachmann announced her own plan to slash spending.
“I call it the Craig’s List Quiz,” said Bachmann, speaking before a crowd of eight Tea Party Republicans in Smoot, Iowa. “You’ve got all these people offering their services on Craig’s List. So why turn to the government to answer all your problems? Instead, log on to Craig’s List.”
As an example, Bachmann cited research she and her staff had performed the night before.
“Last night, I did a little research on Craig’s List, and you know, you can find just about anything on there! You want to invade Libya? Just type in ‘Mercenary.’ You can hire an entire army right there from the comfort of your own couch. And they come with their own weapons. So we can disband the military. Just think how much we can save! And what about education? I did a search for ‘Tutors.’ A whole bunch of ‘em popped up! Math, Science, Economics, you name it, the private sector has it. So why do we need public schools? We don’t. Government just needs to get out of the way and let the free market spread its wings.
“You want to learn about how the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly to get rid of slavery? You don’t need to pay some fatcat, Socialist, unionized public employee 30 or 40 thousand dollars a year, plus benefits. Just hire one of these guys online!”
Meanwhile, House Republicans today announced a proposal to make Pawlenty’s “Google Test” the law of the land.
“Looky here,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, speaking to reporters on a conference call from his Washington office. “I just typed ‘free food’ into the Google and a whole buncha stuff came up. Food banks, soup kitchens. Here’s a You Tube video called ‘How to Get Free Food From Restaurant Dumpsters.’ Boom. There ya go. No more Food Stamps. We don’t need ‘em. I just saved the taxpayers $60 billion.”
Cantor then typed something else into his computer. “Here’s another idea. You wanta find a criminal? You don’t need the FBI. I just googled ‘Find a fugitive.’ Check it out. This guy looks like he could do the job. Dog the Bounty Hunter dot com. Look, he’s got a badge and everything. Boom! I just saved the taxpayers another $300 billion.”