Responding to the rash of mass shootings across the country, NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre today proposed his organization's plan to combat the violence: arm the nation’s schoolchildren "to the teeth."
“The only thing that stops a big bad guy with a gun is a bunch of good little guys with guns,” LaPierre said at a media event that was interrupted by two men in white suits from the nearby Shady Pines Rest Home and Sanitorium for the Severely Deranged, who showed up and placed him into a straitjacket before taking him away in a van. Before he was hauled off in a straitjacket, however, LaPierre went on a 20-minute rant, blaming Spongebob Squarepants for the recent spate of mass shootings in the U.S.
“Look,” said LaPierre, “what kind of idiot would dare come into a school and start shooting if they knew that every kindergartner in the place was armed to the teeth with assault weapons and concealed handguns? You’d have to be nuts! Plus, it’ll be the end of bullying as we know it. Everyone knows the gun is the great equalizer. No more big kids picking on the little wimpy ones, cause little Poindexter can just take out his Glock 17 semi-automatic handgun and blammo, blammo, blammo, blammo, blammo, blammo, blammo, blammo! Blammo! Only add 8 to 23 more blammos, cause it fires 17 rounds, 32 with the extended ammo clip.”
As he was being dragged away by the two white-coated Shady Pines men, LaPierre screamed, “You’ll take away our kindergartner’s guns when you pry them out of their stubby little fingers!”