Look, up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s … some weirdo wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Yes, with Man of Steel doing boffo box office, everyone’s going stupid for Superman. Again. But here at The Daily Wedgie, we’re tired of the same old comic book heroes hopping around in capes and tights. We think it’s high time we had a new cast of heroes to save our poor, pathetic doomed asses. So we offer up this list of the Lamest Superheroes you’ve never heard of. Observe:
Supperman – Has the uncanny ability to show up at your house just as you’re sitting down to dinner. Of course he’d like to join you!
Bathman – And his sidekick, Rubadub
Captain South America – All crime-fighting stops at 2 p.m. for siesta.
Handyman – Drives criminals (and everyone else) crazy when he moves in next door and uses his power tools at all hours of the day and night.
Gary Coal-Man – The diminutive actor rises from the dead with the power to turn himself into a lump of coal. Weakness: Just about everything.
Wonderbra Woman – A warrior princess with a push-up bra she got from Amazon. “My tiara’s up here, boys…”
Gossip Girl – She constantly talks smack about evildoers behind their back. Weakness: Always getting confused with the TV show.
Couch Potato – The ability to somehow go through his entire life without moving from his sofa.
EarlyBird-Man – A retiree with the ability to ascertain where every early bird special in town is located, what it costs and what time they stop serving.
Humanatee – Half man, half manatee.
The Urinflator – With his sidekick, Whiz Kid, he comes to the aid of the perpetually pee-shy by standing around in public restrooms and giving pep talks.
The Re-Fizzer – Has the ability to recarbonate a flat soda.
Too Much Cologne Boy – Twenty-something male who leaves everyone convulsing in his wake. Especially deadly in elevators and other enclosed spaces.
Narcolepto – Has the uncanny ability to fall asleep just when things get dangerous.
The Googler – Can look up anything on his Smartphone at superhuman speeds with his super bendy thumbs. Weakness: Lampposts, pedestrians, buildings, cars… basically anything in his path.
Replay Man – Has the ability to predict the outcome of instant replays.
Sonic Snail – The fastest snail in the world … but still really slow.
Captain Moobs – Overweight, out-of-shape guy who takes his shirt off in public, causing all around him to collapse in disgust. Weakness – Shirts, cold weather.
Exact Change Man – Has the uncanny ability to always have precisely the correct amount of change for every purchase. Weakness: Pocketfuls of quarters, nickels, dimes and pennies slow him down.
The Blinker – Leaves his turn signal on, confusing all evildoers driving behind him. Often paired with Early-Birdman.
The Tipper – Can calculate tips really, really fast. Weakness – Parties of 8 or more. Tragic Flaw – Can’t afford to eat out.
And, since every Superhero needs a Super Villain:
Geyser Wilhelm – Goofy-helmeted evil autocrat with a German accent who intermittently ejects a column of steaming water from his mouth.