Al-Qaida confirmed the killing of Osama bin Laden and put out a Help Wanted ad for his replacement Friday. The ad, released on the terror organization’s official Web site, was dated Tuesday, the day after bin Laden’s death. It reads as follows:
Help Wanted: Evil Mastermind
Al-Qaida has an opening for an Evil Mastermind with the necessary strategic, marketing, leadership, business and evil acumen to direct the future growth of a worldwide terrorist organization. The EM is responsible for strategizing and creating worldwide fiendish plots and jihads, terrorizing various nations and people, and synergizing backward overflow. In addition, the EM takes part in the preparation of occasional menacing video and Internet statements, which consist of issuing various threats, rants, manifestos and announcements. The ideal candidate will have a minimum of 10 years of relevant experience, including experience with fundraising, fiscal and staff management, explosives, and beards. A history of increasingly-responsible roles in a worldwide evil organization is required. Some regional and international travel will be necessary, and extended hours of squatting in caves, walled compounds, spider holes, volcanic lairs or other undisclosed locations may be required.
Physical Requirements: Ability to use various military weaponry, lift up to 20 pounds, sit or squat for extended periods of time, and flee from Navy SEALS.
Al-Qaida offers a competitive salary and benefits package, including Medical and Dental Insurance, 401(k) with Company Match, use of various safe houses and caves, and one slightly-used bullet-proof vest (size XL). NOTE: We are no longer able to offer Life Insurance for this position.
As part of our standard hiring process for new employees, employment with the Al-Qaida organization will be contingent upon successful completion of a comprehensive background check.
If interested, please contact our HR department.