Sunday, October 16, 2011

Occupy Main Street: Dozens of billionaires protest in seedy New York neighborhood

Carrying signs declaring “We are the 1%!” and “Free Bernie Madoff,” more than 20 billionaire bankers, war profiteers and tycoons gathered outside a Bronx soup kitchen to protest what they called “high taxes and regulations” on the nation’s richest citizens.

The billionaire industrialist Koch brothers – worth $25 billion apiece -- marched hand-in-hand, singing the 1940’s coal mining song, “Sixteen Tons,” while candy bar heiress Jacqueline Mars plucked a golden harp.

“We’ve been here for more than twenty minutes, and we’re not leaving anytime soon,” said media mogul Ruppert Murdoch, who carried a sign that read, “Tax the Poor.”

"That's right," said David Koch. "We're sick and tired of these poor people whining about low pay and unemployment. Why don't they pull themselves up by their bootstraps, like my brother and I did? Why, we were barely billionaires when we inherited diddums' oil fortune. But we rolled up our sleeves and went to work, bribing politicians and officials, and in the past decade, our net wealth has skyrocketed! Why can't those wretched 99 percenters do something like that?"

Meanwhile, other marchers warned that the movement would spread. “This is only the beginning,” said Donald Trump. “Zuckerberg and (Google founder Eric) Schmidt are marching in California, and we’ve heard that several Sheikhs have gathered in Saudi Arabia.”

After about an hour, billionaire Mayor Michael Bloomberg arrived in the back of a limousine with lunch for the protesters -- a silver bucket of caviar and bottles of champagne -- which was served to the protesters by two NYPD officers wearing white gloves.

The billionaires then sat around tables covered in white tablecloths to eat and drink. Hedge-fund manager Steve Cohen yelled, “Fight the weak!” as he stuffed his mouth with caviar.

“Power to the bosses! More blood for oil!” yelled Wal-Mart chairman S. Robson Walton, thrusting his soft, pink fist into the air.

After finishing lunch, the whole group then sang a rousing chorus of “We Shall Underpay,” before piling into their various chauffeur-driven Rolls Royces and driving off, vowing to return.

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