Sunday, February 17, 2013

Poprah, and other dark horse candidates for Pope

As you know, Pope Benedict XVI is stepping down on Feb. 28. It’s time we here at the Daily Wedgie weighed in on who might be next to don the pointy hat. Vatican prognosticators have already made their lists of “papabili” (potential popes). Surprise, surprise, they’re all Cardinals. But nothing in the rules says that the Pope must be a Cardinal. In fact, the only requirements are that the new Pope must be male and baptized Catholic, and be made a bishop before taking office. It’s true, not all the contenders on our list are male, but they are all available: 

Mitt Romney – The perennial presidential candidate, still smarting from his latest election defeat, was surreptitiously recorded at a secret fundraiser last week in Florida, where he was heard telling a roomful of wealthy supporters, “There are 47 percent of the Cardinals who will vote for Cardinal Bagnasco no matter what, okay? They believe that they are victims, and that they are entitled to free wafers, and wine.” Pros: Lots of room on top of the Popemobile for his dog. Cons: Will choose female assistants from “binders full of nuns.”

Charlie Sheen – The troubled actor with tiger blood in his veins has been looking for a high profile project since being fired from Two and a Half Men in March, 2011. When asked if he was qualified for the papacy, he replied, “I am on a drug. It’s called Pope Charlie I. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” Pros: So long, nuns. Hello, Goddesses! Cons: uhh… nope, can’t really think of any.  

Ray Lewis – The recently retired linebacker allegedly tried to boost his chances by taking deer antler spray to aid in his recovery from a torn triceps, which would otherwise hinder his ability to wave his arms around during papal speeches and other events. Pros: His pre-event dance will really liven up Papal Mass. Cons: Has already ruffled feathers by insisting he’ll have the number 52 stitched into the back of all papal robes and vestments.

The Monopoly Iron – After being booted from the Parker Brothers board game, the Iron is looking for a new gig. Though some say he’s just a token candidate, sources inside the Vatican say that his candidacy is gathering steam. Pros: Ability to press his own robes would save the Vatican hundreds in laundry bills. Cons: He’s a small appliance.   

David Petraeus – The retired four-star general resigned as CIA Director in November, following revelations of an extramarital affair with his biographer. He’s announced that, if elected Pope, he plans to “surge” the number of Catholic priests in Iraq and Afghanistan. Pros: Will make reading emails from the Vatican a lot more interesting. Cons: Would have to update his biography.

Joe the Plumber – The bald-headed former plumbing employee has already announced that, if elected, he’ll change his name to Joe the Pope. Pros: Finally, that leaky faucet in the men’s room at St. Peter’s will get fixed. Cons: He’s an idiot.

Oprah: One word: Poprah. Pros: Everyone attending Papal Mass gets a new car! Cons: All confessions would be broadcast live before a studio audience.

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