Wednesday, March 6, 2013

A Day That Really Ties the Year Together

Are you employed, sir?

If you answered “Yes,” then you are, most likely, at work today. While that’s far out, man, we here at The Daily Wedgie have declared today a national holiday. A day of rest, if you will. We’re calling it … Lebowski Day. Or Dude Day.

“What’s this day of rest shit?” you ask, adding: “There’s no holiday on March 6th. Am I wrong?”

Well, no, you’re not wrong. But new shit has come to light. And clearly you’re not privy to all the new shit. Plus, obviously, you’re not a golfer.

You see, 15 years ago today, on March 6, 1998, “The Big Lebowski,” the Citizen Kane of rug micturation movies, was released, introducing us to The Dude. And as we all know, The Dude is a lazy man. Quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles County, which would place him high in the running for laziest worldwide. So you can see how being at work on today of all days is verrrrry unDude. So we’re going to need you to drop what you’re doing, go home, put on your bathrobe and pour yourself a Caucasian. Now put on a cassette tape of whale songs – or perhaps some Creedence – smoke a little Thai stick if you’re into that sort of thing, and abide with our third annual Dude Day Wedgie. Or Day of El Duderino, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.

You can start by reading this new shit, which we discovered last night in Van Nuys, lodged against an abutment:

Funny Stuff, Trivia and What Have You

In the Parlance of Our Times: The f-word and its variations are spoken 281 times in “The Big Lebowski.”

The Dude says the word “man” 174 times in the film.

You Want a Toe? I Can Get You a Toe, Believe Me
A severed toe can last up to six hours and still be reattached successfully; 24-30 hours if it’s placed in a baggie and put on ice.

Careful, Man, There’s a Beverage Here!
White Russian:
2 oz. Vodka
1 oz. Kahlua
Half and half (acceptable substitute: nondairy creamer)
Served over ice in a rocks glass

And now it’s time to see just how “Dude” you really are, with this Little Lebowski Quiz.

1. Are you employed, sir?
A) Yes
B) No
C) What day is this?

2. What do you do in your spare time?
A) Golf
B) Occupy various administration buildings
C) Bowl, drive around, the occasional acid flashback

3. What color is your vehicle?
A) My Hummer is yellow
B) Blue
C) Green, with rust coloration

4. When do you pay your rent?
A) When you own, it’s called a “mortgage”
B) The tenth
C) Far out, man

5. Do you have any Kahlua?
A) No, but I do have some watermelon schnaaps
B) No, I’m fresh out
C) Does the Pope shit in the woods?

What was the subject of Little Larry’s homework?
A) The Constitution of the United States
B) I don’t know, the little prick’s stonewallin’ me
C) The Louisiana Purchase

Mark it, Dude
Now that you have achieved in the modest task that was your charge, it’s time to tally up your score.

For each A) answer, you get 0 points.
For each B) answer, give yourself 5 points.
For each C) answer, give yourself 10 points.

How Dude are you:
0-15: You’re being very un-Dude
16-30: You are the walrus
31-59: I dig your style, man
60: You abide

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