Monday, March 11, 2013

My cover letter for Pope

Dear Sir or Madam,

As a former altar boy and sometime-wearer of funny hats, I was excited to learn that the Catholic Church is seeking to fill the position of Pope.

While the majority of my working career has been spent in the publishing field as a writer and editor, I have recently decided to widen the scope of my job search to include Supreme Leader, Poobah or other Ruler-type positions.

While I have no practical experience as a world religious leader, I was an altar boy from 1968-1973, making All-Conference in 1972, mostly on the strength of my bell-ringing. In addition, as I mentioned, I have worn funny hats at times, and I believe I would be really good at bossing around other guys in funny hats, which, I understand, is one of the key responsibilities of being Pope.  

Also, I have several ideas which I believe might help the church appeal more to key demographic groups, such as teens and ‘tweens. For instance:

* Replace bland, boring communal wafers with something tastier, like Slim Jims or pizza slices. Perhaps you've heard that Hostess Brands, Inc., is for sale? Why not purchase the Twinkies or Ding Dongs brand, and replace the wafer with one of those?

* Jazz up our confession boxes by turning them into photo booths, so people can have goofy pictures of themselves taken while confessing their sins.

* How about a reality show? I was thinking maybe a hidden camera, Ashton Kutcher-type show, featuring the Pope playing practical jokes on unsuspecting celebrities, then, when they get really upset, I'd yell, "You just got Pope'd! Or maybe just have a camera crew follow the Pope everywhere. Call it, Here Comes Holy Boo-Boo. Or maybe Pimp My Popemobile? I'm just spitballin' here...

* Two words: More Exorcisms!

That is just a taste of the type of snappy ideas you will get with me as Pontiff. Believe me, there are lots more where those came from!  

While my preference is to fill the position of Pope, I would also be willing to consider the position of Anti-Pope.

Thank you in advance for considering my qualifications. I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.


Gregory Mandel

No comments:

Post a Comment