Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Are you Thor? We thur are

But enough about our Eathter egg hunt gone horribly wrong.

Wedgeheads, we've been doing some thinking, and we've come to a conclusion. We’re living the dream. You know, the one where you’re sitting at work and suddenly you realize you forgot to wear pants? That one. But we digress. We’re living the dream – all of us. We’ve got it easy. We forget that, just a few measly centuries ago, we would have been sitting around thinking, “Boy, I wish that guy in the horned helmet would stop stabbing me.”

Which reminds us. There’s this new show on the History channel called Vikings. It’s set in the 9th century, and based on the exploits of a real Norseman from history, Ragnar Lodbrok, who leads a bunch of other Vikings on a raid to England, where they find the cast of Downton Abbey sitting around eating tea and crumpets. You get the picture. Pillaging and plundering ensues.

We got curious about Ragnar, so we decided to read up on him, and we found that he had a son named Ivar the Boneless. Yeah. Thanks for the name, Pops!

Anyway, that got us to thinking about all the other really cool names they used to give people back then, like Charles the Fat, Richard the Lionheart, and Cedric the Entertainer, and how cool it would be if we still had names like that. Then, when our coworkers saw us at the vending machine, they’d say, “Hello, Wedgitor the Pantless.”

Haven’t we suffered enough with our boring old, garden variety, milquetoast names? It’s time we created new names, Viking names for the 21st century!

And so we did. We present them to you now. Look them over and choose the one that fits you best, or, make up your own! Mix and match with your friends!

Here's how to turn your name into a Viking name. Take your first name, followed by the word "the" and then add one of the following:


Poor Credit Risk

Loud Tie Wearer





Over perfumed

Bad Joke Forwarder

Excessively Caffeinated

Lactose Intolerant


Tissue Filcher

Aggressive Driver

Bad Parallel Parker

Doughnut Eater



Technologically Challenged

Pickle Fancier


Overly Familiar


Mildly Annoying


Remote Hoarder

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