Sunday, February 17, 2013

Poprah, and other dark horse candidates for Pope

As you know, Pope Benedict XVI is stepping down on Feb. 28. It’s time we here at the Daily Wedgie weighed in on who might be next to don the pointy hat. Vatican prognosticators have already made their lists of “papabili” (potential popes). Surprise, surprise, they’re all Cardinals. But nothing in the rules says that the Pope must be a Cardinal. In fact, the only requirements are that the new Pope must be male and baptized Catholic, and be made a bishop before taking office. It’s true, not all the contenders on our list are male, but they are all available: 

Mitt Romney – The perennial presidential candidate, still smarting from his latest election defeat, was surreptitiously recorded at a secret fundraiser last week in Florida, where he was heard telling a roomful of wealthy supporters, “There are 47 percent of the Cardinals who will vote for Cardinal Bagnasco no matter what, okay? They believe that they are victims, and that they are entitled to free wafers, and wine.” Pros: Lots of room on top of the Popemobile for his dog. Cons: Will choose female assistants from “binders full of nuns.”

Charlie Sheen – The troubled actor with tiger blood in his veins has been looking for a high profile project since being fired from Two and a Half Men in March, 2011. When asked if he was qualified for the papacy, he replied, “I am on a drug. It’s called Pope Charlie I. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” Pros: So long, nuns. Hello, Goddesses! Cons: uhh… nope, can’t really think of any.  

Ray Lewis – The recently retired linebacker allegedly tried to boost his chances by taking deer antler spray to aid in his recovery from a torn triceps, which would otherwise hinder his ability to wave his arms around during papal speeches and other events. Pros: His pre-event dance will really liven up Papal Mass. Cons: Has already ruffled feathers by insisting he’ll have the number 52 stitched into the back of all papal robes and vestments.

The Monopoly Iron – After being booted from the Parker Brothers board game, the Iron is looking for a new gig. Though some say he’s just a token candidate, sources inside the Vatican say that his candidacy is gathering steam. Pros: Ability to press his own robes would save the Vatican hundreds in laundry bills. Cons: He’s a small appliance.   

David Petraeus – The retired four-star general resigned as CIA Director in November, following revelations of an extramarital affair with his biographer. He’s announced that, if elected Pope, he plans to “surge” the number of Catholic priests in Iraq and Afghanistan. Pros: Will make reading emails from the Vatican a lot more interesting. Cons: Would have to update his biography.

Joe the Plumber – The bald-headed former plumbing employee has already announced that, if elected, he’ll change his name to Joe the Pope. Pros: Finally, that leaky faucet in the men’s room at St. Peter’s will get fixed. Cons: He’s an idiot.

Oprah: One word: Poprah. Pros: Everyone attending Papal Mass gets a new car! Cons: All confessions would be broadcast live before a studio audience.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

A farewell address from the Monopoly Iron

As you may have heard, Parker Brothers has announced that they are retiring one of their Monopoly tokens, the iron, and replacing it with a cat. Well, the iron is not happy with this turn of events, as you might guess, and has published this farewell note:

So, it has come to this. I am to be replaced by a cat. Me, the mighty Iron, smoother of shirts, presser of pants, unwrinkler of wrinkles. You think the cat is going to do all that for you? Good luck with that, my friend. You’ll be lucky if he’ll move six spots to Community Chest so that you may win second prize in a beauty contest. Come to think of it, good luck winning second prize in a beauty contest in your wrinkly, cat pee-stained bathing suit.

Do you actually believe a cat will do as he is told, and advance to the nearest railroad, or to St. Charles Place when it is required of him to do so? Ha! And what about Jail? Have you ever tried incarcerating a cat? He’ll just slip his little paws out of the handcuffs, you silly fool! What will you do when you’re asked to take a walk on the Boardwalk? You’re going to look quite stupid, my friend, walking a cat on a leash in such a neighborhood, in your unpressed tuxedo coat and cat-clawed top hat.    

I find it hard to see what it is you hope to gain from such a bargain. I turn water into steam, steam that powered the locomotives that conquered a continent! The cat lies on the floor and licks himself. I come with an ingenious, portable, folding table with a heat-resistant surface and pedal-operated vacuum. What does a cat come with? A box, which he then fills with his own poo. If you're lucky!

They say that parting is sweet sorrow. But you know what will be even sweeter? When there is a bank error in your favor, and you go to your closet for your good suit to wear to the bank to claim your $200, only to find that it is quite rumpled, and the pleat in your pants nearly gone. What then? Oh, you will rue the day you have dispensed with my services, sir. 

Go, roll your dice on a cat’s fleeting whimsy! Cover your properties with houses, then build those houses into hotels until the board is filled with them, from Mediterranean Avenue to Marvin Gardens, and beyond! And what of your hotel guests, when their clothing is crumpled and creased, and they come to you for an ironing? What then, you cat-fancying fool?

Farewell, ingrates. You won’t have the Iron to kick around anymore!