Trump releases certificate of live birth for his hair

Challenged to prove that his hair is, in fact, American, Donald Trump today provided a certificate of live birth, proving once and for all that his hair was born in this country.

Trump made the announcement Monday morning at a news conference in the lobby of Trump International Hotel in New York City.

“I have here a certificate of live birth from Dr. Alfred J. Flintlock, D.V.M., proving once and for all that my hair was born on November 17th, 1979, on a weasel farm in Booger Hollow, Kentucky. It says here that it was named Sparky, classified as being of the species Mustela Frenata, order Carnivora, family Mustelidae, genus Mustela, commonly known as the North American long-tailed weasel, sometimes referred to regionally as the yellow-bellied polecat.”

Trump went even further, handing out his hair’s death certificate and certificate of authenticity to reporters.

“This document of Sparky’s death proves that my hair lived its entire life in the United States of America," Trump proclaimed proudly, waving the document in the air. "Until it was run over by an ATV on July 6th, 1982, on State Road 27, just outside Pigslide, Kentucky. I also have a sales receipt and this Certificate of Authenticity from Ned’s Taxidermy Shop in Lexington, Ky., certifying that my hair came from Sparky, proving beyond any doubt that my hair is completely and 100 percent American.”

A crowd of about two dozen Trump supporters gathered outside the hotel seemed jubilant at the news, firing pistols into the air and whooping. Lyle Little, 61, of Turpentine, Ala., was arrested for discharging a firearm within the city limits. “I don’t care,” said Little as he was led off in handcuffs. “I’m happy. I won the pool. My cousin Cooter over yonder said it was a ‘possum, but I know’d it were a polecat all along.”

“We’re celebratin’,” said teabagger Boone Arliss, 58, of Wingnut, Ga. “Trump’s our man. It’d be nice if he let us in the hotel, though. We tried to go in, but the doorman said we were too scrungy-lookin’. If I’d a knew it was gonna be so fancy, I’d a worn my good tooth.”

Trump’s popularity with the Teabaggers has surged since he began questioning whether President Barack Obama is an American. A recent poll found that 51% of likely 2012 Republican voters believe the President was not born in the U.S., to just 28% who firmly believe that he was, and 21% who are unsure.

Said Verlene Huskins, 43, of Raccoon’s Tail, W. Va., “I can’t wait till Trump walks into the White House and tells black Spock, ‘You’re fired.’”

Eastbound & Downton Abbey -- and other bad mashups

Mashoops -- mashups that should never, ever happen:

Eastbound & Downton Abbey: Kenny Powers arrives at Downton to take Mr. Bates’ place as the Earl of Grantham’s valet. Hilarity ensues.

Fat Albert Nobbs: Glenn Close had to put on a LOT of weight for this role.

Two and a Half Mentalists: Charlie Sheen returns to TV as a psychic with tiger blood and Adonis DNA. The show features plots you cannot process with a normal brain, and if you try your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.

2 Broke Girls With Dragon Tattoos: Max and Caroline channel their inner Lisbeth Salander at the Williamsburg Diner. Hilarity and broken dishes ensue.

Hugoing Rogue: Sarah Palin’s worst nightmare becomes reality: She finds herself living in France.

Midnight in Paris, Texas: A writer who idolizes 1920’s Paris is instead transported to a dumpy Texas town where he is forced to hang out with a depressed Harry Dean Stanton.

How I Met Your Mothra: Godzilla recounts to his children how he met his nemesis, a gigantic moth-like creature who always interrupts him when he tries to destroy Tokyo.

McMillan and the Good Wife: Julianna Margulies returns to her old job as a litigator after finding out that her marriage to Rock Hudson was a sham.

Breakin’ Bad 2: Electric Boogaloo: Walter White really goes off the deep end and tries to become a professional break dancer.

No Country For Old Mad Men: Anton Chiguhr joins Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, and when he brings his cattle gun to client meetings, hilarity ensues.

UpChuck: By tying thousands of balloons to his house, the computer geek turned secret agent takes off on a soaring adventure, but gets violently airsick.

Twilight Saga: Newt Moon: Are you Camp Edward, Camp Jacob, or Camp Newt?

There Will Be Blue Bloods: A family of New York cops bands together when a ruthless oilman, played by Daniel Day Lewis, shows up and drinks their father’s milkshake.

The Iron Lady Gaga: Meryl Streep dons the meat dress.

The Walking Dead Poets Society: Zombie poets invade Welton Academy.

We're talkin' 'bout Taft -- and Millard Fillmore

Excuse me, I think I have something in my eye.

Yes, Wedge-heads, today is a heavy, heavy day.

Why’s that, you ask?

Because today marks the 82nd deathiversary of William Howard Taft, our 27th – and, uhh, largest – president. Elected in 1908, “Uncle Jumbo,” as he was known, supervised construction of the Panama Canal and, after he left
the White House, became the tenth Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.

But that’s not why I love him. Oh, no. I love William Howard Taft because he gave us perhaps the wackiest bit of Presidential slapstick in our nation’s slapstick-rich history. You see, one night, so the legend goes, Big Bill – who weighed in at 332 pounds -- was splashing around in the Presidential tub with the Presidential rubber duckie, and when he was done he tried to get out and ... that's right. He couldn't. He got stuck in the White House bathtub. It’s said that it took six men and a gallon of butter to dislodge him. So, in remembrance of our most portly Potus, I’ve written a little ditty in his honor, to the tune of the theme from “Shaft.”

Cue the Isaac Hayes!

Taft!
Who’s the morbidly obese Head of State
Who won the election of ’08?
Taft! Ya damn right.

Who’s the Presidential rub-a-dub
Who got stuck in the White House tub?
Taft! Can you dig it?

Who’s the fat cat who can’t get out
When there’s water all about?
Taft! Right on.

They say this cat Taft is a fat commander in ---
Shut your mouth!
But I’m talkin’ about Taft
Then we can dig it!
He’s a roly-poly man
But no one extricates him but his plumber
Bill Taft!

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “WHAT ABOUT MILLARD?”

Yeah, you got me. Millard Fillmore, our 13th president, also croaked on this date, in 1874.

Perhaps our most irrelevant president, Millard Fillmore is best known (at least by me!) for successfully negotiating a treaty with Peru for the use of -- wait for it -- guano.

So move over, Uncle Jumbo. You’re going to have to share today with Millard Fillmore, the bird poop president. So, for all you Fillmorons out there, this bad Millard Fillmore poem is for you:


You ended up a Know-Nothing,
After starting out a Whig
But about Millard Fillmore
Now no one gives a fig.
Still, your picture hangs in the White House hall
Though you’re Presidential detritus
But you’d never have gotten there at all
If not for Zach Taylor’s gastroenteritis.

When it comes to mediocrity
Millard, you’re number one
You’re less memorable than Franklin Pierce
Who, while Prez, got nothing done
John Tyler and James Buchanan
Bow to your mediocre ways
And when measuring accomplishments
You’re no Rutherford B. Hayes

Compared to you Cal Coolidge was full of pep,
and Grover Cleveland was the bomb
At least Andrew Johnson was a roaring drunk
and Ford got shot at by Squeaky Fromme.
Warren Harding had the teapot dome
and gambled away the White House china
Martin Van Buren had awesome muttonchops
Why, even Benjamin Harrison was finer.

Herbert Hoover was not mediocre, he was bad
And so he cannot challenge you
And if Hoover was the worst president
Then Bush Junior smells like number two
That leaves just one inconsequential gent
To battle you, mano-a-mano,
But even Chester Alan Arthur can’t
Knock you off your pile of guano.

A Day That Really Ties the Year Together

Are you employed, sir?

If you answered “Yes,” then you are, most likely, at work today. While that’s far out, man, we here at The Daily Wedgie have declared today a national holiday. A day of rest, if you will. We’re calling it … Lebowski Day. Or Dude Day.

“What’s this day of rest shit?” you ask, adding: “There’s no holiday on March 6th. Am I wrong?”

Well, no, you’re not wrong. But new shit has come to light. And clearly you’re not privy to all the new shit. Plus, obviously, you’re not a golfer.

You see, 14 years ago today, on March 6, 1998, the greatest film ever made, “The Big Lebowski,” was released, introducing us to The Dude. And as we all know, The Dude is a lazy man. Quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles County, which would place him high in the runnin’ for laziest worldwide. So you can see how being at work on today of all days is verrrrry unDude. So we’re going to need you to drop what you’re doing, go home, put on your bathrobe and pour yourself a Caucasian. Now put on a cassette tape of whale songs – or perhaps some Creedence – smoke a little Thai stick if you’re into that sort of thing, run a hot bath and abide with our second annual Dude Day Wedgie. Or Day of El Duderino, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.

You can start by reading this new shit, which we discovered last night in Van Nuys, lodged against an abutment:

Funny Stuff, Trivia and What Have You
From the book, “Two Gentlemen of Lebowski,” by Adam Bertocci, which retells “The Big Lebowski” as written by William Shakespeare:
ACT 1, SCENE 2
The bowling green. Enter The Knave, Walter and Donald, to play at ninepins.WALTER: In sooth, then, faithful friend, this was a rug of value? Thou wouldst call it not a rug among ordinary rugs, but a rug of purpose? A star in the firmament, in step with the fashion alike to the Whitsun morris-dance? A worthy rug, a rug of consequence, sir?
THE KNAVE: It was of consequence, I should think; verily, it tied the room together, gather’d its qualities as the sweet lovers’ spring grass doth the morning dew or the rough scythe the first of autumn harvests…
WALTER: Indeed, a rug of value; an estimable rug, an honour’d rug; O unhappy rug, that should live to cover such days!
DONALD: Of what dost thou speak, that tied the room together, Knave? Take pains, for I would well hear of that which tied the room together.
WALTER: Didst thou attend the Knave’s tragic history, Sir Donald?
DONALD: Nay, good Sir Walter, I was a-bowling.
WALTER: Thou attend’st not; and so thou hast no frame of reference. … Cast it from thy sieve-like books of memory, Sir Donald; thou art out of thy element.

In the Parlance of Our TimesThe f-word and its variations are spoken 281 times in “The Big Lebowski.”

The Dude says the word “man” 174 times in the film.

You Want a Toe? I Can Get You a Toe, Believe MeA severed toe can last up to six hours and still be reattached successfully; 24-30 hours if it’s placed in a baggie and put on ice.

Careful, Man, There’s a Beverage Here!White Russian:
2 oz. Vodka
1 oz. Kahlua
Half and half (acceptable substitute: nondairy creamer)
Served over ice in a rocks glass

And now it’s time to see just how “Dude” you really are, with this Little Lebowski Quiz.
1. Are you employed, sir?A) Yes
B) No
C) What day is this?

2. What do you do in your spare time?A) Golf
B) Occupy various administration buildings
C) Bowl, drive around, the occasional acid flashback

3. What color is your vehicle?A) My Hummer is yellow
B) Blue
C) Green, with rust coloration

4. When do you pay your rent?A) When you own, it’s called a “mortgage”
B) The tenth
C) Far out, man

5. Do you have any Kahlua?A) No, but I do have some watermelon schnaaps
B) No, I’m fresh out
C) Does the Pope shit in the woods?

BONUS ROUND
What was the subject of Little Larry’s homework?A) The Constitution of the United States
B) I don’t know, the little prick’s stonewallin’ me
C) The Louisiana Purchase

Mark it, DudeNow that you have achieved in the modest task that was your charge, it’s time to tally up your score.

For each A) answer, you get 0 points.
For each B) answer, give yourself 5 points.
For each C) answer, give yourself 10 points.

How Dude are you:0-15: You’re being very un-Dude
16-30: You are the walrus
31-59: I dig your style, man
60: You abide

Political Valentines

It’s February 14th
according to my watch
So I texted you a picture
Of my ginormous crotch
- Anthony Weiner

My beautiful wife:
What color is a rose?
Red is the answer
Now I’m leaving you for Calista
While you’re riddled with cancer
- Newt

Roses are red
And not easy to prune
Will you be my First Lady
When I’m President of the Moon?
- Newt

On this Valentine’s Day
My wife, I was hopin’
That we could make our marriage
A little more, uhh, open…
- Newt

On this 14th of February,
I’ll ask you, my honey
Won’t you be my Valentine,
My beautiful money?
- Mitt Romney

To my lovely wife:
On this Valentine’s Day,
please let me explain
Corporations are people
So I’ve run off with Bain
- Mitt Romney

About Valentine’s Day
my husband is vague
He spent the whole day at the airport
With ex-Senator Larry Craig
- Michelle Bachmann

Don’t be botherin’ me
with your Valentine’s trivia
I’m still tryin’ to remember…
What the hell is a Libya?
- Herman Cain

Hey baby,
There’s no need to get raucous
Just get down on your knees
And vote in my caucus
- Herman Cain

Violets are blue
and roses are red
and over there is Russia
see, there’s Putin’ rearin’ his head
- Sarah Palin

I love you so much,
I wrote you this poem
Happy Valentine’s Day
from your garden gnome
- Ron Paul

My lawful wedded wife
I bid thee my troth
If you google my name
You get “anal froth”
- Rick Santorum

On this Valentine’s Day
Please say there’s a chance
And I’ll sweep you away
to my Niggerhead Ranch
- Rick Perry

Roses are red
You put them in a vase
I’m really, really sorry
I shot you in the face
- Dick Cheney

Enjoy this Valentine’s
I hope it’s the most
Cause in 10 months and a week
You’re all gonna be toast
- The Mayans

Pile of Manure Left on Debate Stage Surges to Lead in GOP Race

There’s a new leader in the race for the Republican presidential nomination. A pile of horse manure left on the stage before last night’s outdoor debate in Casper, Wyoming, was the runaway debate winner, according to a new poll out today. Perhaps even more surprising, “Joe the Manure Pile,” as the pile of horse poop has been dubbed, now leads the Republican field overall in the campaign to see who will oppose President Barack Obama in 2012.

52 percent of viewers called Joe the Manure Pile the debate’s big winner, compared with just 17 percent for Herman Cain and 13 percent for Michele Bachmann, according to a FOX News poll. And in a new Gallup poll out today, Joe leads in the race overall with 28 percent of the vote, followed by Cain at 24 percent and Romney with 22 percent.

“He didn’t make any gaffes,” said Republican strategist Karl Rove. “While Herman Cain got a lot of audience applause when he said he would put land mines along the Mexican border, and Rick Perry scored points when he said he’d order the National Guard to open fire on the Occupy Wall Street protesters, they also stumbled at times. Joe the Manure Pile was steady as a rock. Compared to the other candidates, he looked pretty presidential.”

Republican voters seemed to agree. “That pile of shit had the best ideas of anyone on our side,” said Preston Dullard, who was in the audience for the Tea Party-sponsored debate. “I really liked him. He’s a strong, silent type, and you know where he sits, issue-wise. He’s not a flip-flopper like Romney.”

“He’s down to earth,” said Wanda Panky, 62, who was also in the audience. “He doesn’t try to confuse everyone with his fancy plans, like Cain with that 999 stuff. Plus, Joe’s a real American. There’s no questioning that. We all saw him come out of that horse.”

Others, however, were more cautious. Like Tea Partier Goober Hockley of Stinkwater, Neb., who said: “At first I thought it was Mitch McConnell up there. He looks just like him. But then I thought, no, this feller’s not quite as slippery as McConnell. I liked him a lot, but I want to find out where he stands on the Sharia Law issue before I decide for sure.”

70-year-old Hoke Ferch of Pine Bluff, Ark., struck a similar chord. “I want to see how he does in a couple more debates before I make up my mind,” said Ferch. “I do like the way he sticks up for himself. He doesn’t take any guff. You didn’t see Romney put his hands on Joe the Manure Pile the way he did Perry did you? But on the downside, he’s a pile of horse pucky. Still, all things considered, he just might be the smartest one of the bunch.”

Occupy Longstreet: Movement Protests Bad 1970s TV Shows

Hundreds of demonstrators gathered outside the former home of the late actor James Franciscus in Beverly Hills on Tuesday in a peaceful protest of bad 1970s television shows. Franciscus played blind private eye Mike Longstreet in the 1971 detective drama, “Longstreet,” which aired for one season on ABC.

One of the protest’s apparent leaders, Nat Lint, told the Wedgie that Occupy Longstreet is a “resistence movement” aimed at drawing attention to the role that watching bad TV shows in the 1970s had in ruining the lives of people like himself.

“All those years I shoulda been studyin’, but instead I got hooked on this junk,” said Lint. “I mean, a blind detective? Come on!”

Lint, an unemployed truck driver from El Segundo, carried a sign that read: “I wish I could say that I’m One of the 99% who didn’t watch your show.” He said that, after Franciscus’ former home, the group planned to picket the gravesite of Claude Akins, star of the bad 1970s trucker drama “Movin’ On.”

“That show was the reason I became a trucker,” Lint said, wistfully. “You see how that turned out.”

Another protester, Betty Schaefer, who carried a sign that read, “No Blood For Potsy,” said the group also planned to picket the homes of Lee Majors, star of the 70s hit, “The Six Million Dollar Man,” Linda Henning, who starred in “Pettitcoat Junction,” Chad Everett (“Medical Center”), Dan Haggerty (“Grizzly Adams”), John Schuck (“Holmes and Yo-Yo”) and James Farentino (“Cool Million”), as well as the graves of several other stars, including Christopher George (“The Rat Patrol”), Bert Convy (“Love, American Style”), Dom DeLuise (“Lotsa Luck”), Nipsey Russell (“Match Game”) and Ted Bessell (“Me and the Chimp”).

When informed of the protest, LAPD chief Charlie Beck said, “It’s one thing to desecrate the grave of Dom DeLuise, but we draw the line at Chuck Connors.”