It being the week we celebrate Shakespeare’s birthday -- Happy 447th, Bill! -- we thought it would be a good time to present the bard's most obscure play, regarded as the least of all his writings, possibly written in a state of pixillation, the forgotten disaster:
The Legend of Ryan Hood
He stole from the poor and gave to the rich!
A tragecomedie in one act
Cast of characters:
Little John Boehner
Friar Tucker Carlson
Trump – A foole
The Sheriff of Newtingham
Lord Kyl of Arizonae
King George the Lyin-Heart
Sir Eric of Kantor
Sir Guy of Gingrich
Sir Mitt of Romney
and introducing The Merry Mainstream Media Men:
David of Gregory…. a dancing fool
David Brooks….. a dunce
Dana Milbank …. a knave
Wolf Blitzer …….a buffoon
Dick Morris ……. a preening dolte
Joseph of Scarborough….. a nincompoop
ACT 1, SCENE 1
Sherwood Forest. Ryan Hood, Little John Boehner, and the Merry Mainstream Media Men lie in ambush. As a peasant approaches on foot, Ryan Hood leaps out from his hiding spot, brandishing his pie chart.
RYAN HOOD: Halt, measly peon, and deliver your coin,
or my boot I’ll deliver into your loin.
For we are in the midst of a budget deficit,
so I need all of your money, hand it over, you twit.
PEASANT: Faith, good sir. I am but a poor farmer of dirt,
and have no coin to deliver, the bankers of Wall Street took all but my shirt. Pray tell, if I may be so bold to inquire,
who are you, and why make this debt sound so dire?
RYAN HOOD: I am Paul Ryan of the forest of Sherwood,
commonly known as Ryan the Hood.
You know Robin Hood, that socialist?
I’m the opposite of him, if that gives you the gist.
I rob from the poor to give to the rich,
so that it can then trickle down to you in the ditch.
I represent King George the Lyin-Heart, who in Persia, wages war,
on crusade, against the moor.
MERRY MAINSTREAM MEDIA MEN: (singing)
He’s so serious and courageous,
It really is contagious,
With his flow charts and his pie charts
Oh, Ryan we give you our hearts
There’s no need to check the numbers
He really is a wonder!
His fair form so fab, so devoid of flab
I’d give everything I have for one glimpse of his abs…
DAVID BROOKS: He says we spend too much, it must be true!
DAVID OF GREGORY: (dancing) His hair’s so black it’s almost blue!
WOLF BLITZER: He says we must lower taxes on the rich 30% more.
DANA MILBANK: I wonder how he works his core?
DICK MORRIS: He rises early to the gym – no sloucher.
JOSEPH OF SCARBOROUGH: ‘sted of medicare he’ll give us vouchers!
DAVID of GREGORY (dancing):
See how his six-pack abs do ripple?
At the castle gym, perhaps I’ll see his nipple!
Yes, ‘tis true. He is most boyish and quite handsome.
And his ideas, though discredited and old, put a puptent in my pantsome!
See how his pie chart gleams, as he brandishes his powerpoint pen?
‘Tis is a good thing I have money from the Orient, because for Ryan I have a mighty yen… (swoons)
LITTLE JOHN BOEHNER: Come join our tea party and listen to Maid Palin’s ravings, where we shall relieve you of your life sav… I mean, we shall toast to freedom and the troops!
PEASANT: Fie! I have already told you, o orange oaf, I have no coin,
for by the Wall Street knaves, it was purloyned.
LORD KYL: Come now, bumpkin. Fork it over, without abatement.
We know you have 9 gold pieces. That was not intended to be a factual statement.
RYAN HOOD: Good serf, I beg of thee. Look o’erhead.
The cloud of deficit should fill thee with dread.
It looms like a drunken giant whose full bladder poses threat
We must increase your burden, lest he wet us with debt.
PEASANT: (Reaching into his pocket) All I have is this old ha-penny,
which I have saved for years long and many
toward purchase of a mouldy crouton,
which I hoped my grandchild, one day, could gnaw on.
RYAN HOOD takes the ha-penny and flips it to the Sheriff of Newtingham.
RYAN HOOD: Sheriff, give this to the Earl of Koch, as a taxing,
For I hear his golden shoehorn has needs of a-waxing.
SHERIFF OF NEWTINGHAM: (Whips the peasant)
And wax is not cheap, you slag from the heap!
TRUMP: Pray, good Ryan, stem this talk of horn-waxin’,
For I’ve heard rumor that the socialist Obama is neither Anglo nor Saxon.
I have been commissioned by the crazed Birther Lord,
To inspect his placenta, or at least his umbilical cord.
RYAN HOOD: Faith, yes, but take heed, foole, before blood is shed,
For thou seem’st to have a hedgehog crouch'd upon thy very head.
... To be continued. Or perhaps not...