When Vatican officials exhumed the body of Pope John Paul II on Friday, ahead of a beatification mass, they made an unusual discovery – U.S. President Barack Obama’s long-form birth certificate was clutched in the dead Pope’s hands.
Examination of the birth certificate revealed that Obama was, indeed, born in Hawaii. Officials had no explanation for how the document came to be in the corpse’s possession. Pope John Paul II died in 2005.
When asked to comment on the events, professional foof Donald Trump, who has gained a lot of publicity recently by publicly questioning Obama’s U.S. citizenship, had no comment. "I'm speechless," he said.
The ceremony of beatification - the first step toward canonization, or sainthood, is scheduled for May 1st. Prerequisite for canonization is to commit a miracle. Said one church official, who asked not to be identified, "I think getting Trump to shut up qualifies as his miracle. He's a shoe-in now."
Other Republican leaders expressed surprise at the finding, and confusion over the Catholic ceremony. Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said, “I can’t wait ‘til they canonize him. I thought they only did that to circus midgets.”