Wednesday, July 27, 2011

New Ben & Jerry's Flavors We'd Like to See

During L.A.’s recent “Carmageddon” – the 53-hour shutdown of a 10-mile stretch of I-405 -- Ben & Jerry’s ice cream offered commuters in the Los Angeles area free scoops of the flavor, “What a Cluster.”

Really? What a Cluster? That’s the best they could do? What’s wrong with Ben & Jerry’s? Do they have brain freeze from eating too much Barack Obama's Yes Pecan? Have they just given up trying to create amusing names for their pop-culture-themed ice creams? Why not Ben & Jerry’s Caramelgeddon Crunch? Or Ben & Jerry’s Gridlox and Cream Cheese? Well, okay, there’s nuttin’ funny about those either, but you get the idea. Ben & Jerry’s isn’t even trying anymore! Has the pressure of the high-stress frozen treat business finally gotten to them? Whatever the problem, it looks like they need a little help. So we’ve come up with a list of new Ben & Jerry’s flavors we’d like to see.


Casey Anthony’s Nut Guilty Surprise

Rum Raisin the Debt Ceiling

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Home Maid Infidelity Fudge (Rich Austrian chocolate rippled with a custardy swirl)

CaraMel Gibson’s Raging Nut Crumble

Charlie Sheen’s Fricking Rock Star from Marzipan Swirl (Whiskey-flavored ice cream with gobs of bananas and nuts, sprinkled with tiger’s blood and covered with a white mystery powder)

Donald Trump’s Coconut Combover Swirl

Harold Camping’s Raspberry Rapture Jubilee (Rich raspberry ice cream with expired dates)

Anthony Weiner’s Bulging Beefcake Surprise

John Boehner’s Orange Sherbet

- or -

John Boehner’s Hell No Pecan’t!

Justin Bieberry

Kim Kardashian’s Rump Raisin

Lindsay Lohan’s Arrested Develop-Mint

Michele Bachmann’s Old Fashioned Nut Bar

Mitt Romney’s Vanilla Smoothie (Smooth vanilla with a vanilla center, topped with vanilla frosting)

Paul Ryan’s Medicaramel Crunch (no ice cream, just vouchers you can use to buy ice cream on the open market)

Planet of the Apricots

Ruppert Murdoch’s Phone Tapuccino Explosion (Capuccino ice cream stuffed with shriveled prunes and sprinkled with $1,000 bills)

Sarah Palin’s Half-Baked Alaska

Nut Gingrich

Robert Brownie Junior

Good ‘n Pawlenty

Jim de Minthe

Glenn Beck’s Just Nuts

Andy Macarooni

Kiwi Herman

Eric Pecantor

Fudge Judy

J. Lo Pudding

Tonya Harding’s Kneecapuccino Surprise

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