Sunday, July 24, 2011

On Dumbass Day, Republicans Refuse to Raise Debt Ceiling, Pants

Happy Dumbass Day, everybody! Yes, today the great French writer, Alexandre Dumbass (or, Dumas, as the French spell it), author of such classics as “The Three Musketeers” and “The Count of Monte Cristo,” would turn 209 years old, if he could still turn.

To celebrate Dumbass Day, Congressional Republicans, led by their Three Musketeers -- House Speaker John Boehner, Majority Leader Eric Cantor and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell -- dropped their pants and refused to raise them again until President Obama makes the Bush tax cuts for the rich permanent.

Speaking before reporters at the Capitol, a pantsless John Boehner said: “It is absolutely essential in this economy that we not raise taxes on the job creators.”

When it was pointed out that the Bush tax cuts have been in effect for the past 10 years and yet the “job creators” have not created any jobs, Boehner threatened to drop his underwear. “I’ll do it! Don’t push me!” he said, grabbing the waistband of his tighty-whiteys.

In response, President Obama immediately walked out of the White House with his hands in the air and began turning out his pockets. He then offered his counter-proposal.

“Look, I know how tough it is for Republicans,” the President said in a hastily-called press conference on the White House lawn. “They’ve given their pledge to Grover Norquist, a portly, bearded tax cheat who spent his teenage years in the 60’s working for Richard Nixon. I mean, c’mon, how cool is that? So in order to keep Republicans from having to break that pledge to super cool Grover, that they would never, ever, ever raise taxes on millionaires and billionaires, no matter what, I’m going to give them a break, and ask the nation’s elderly and poor to shoulder all of the burden again. My offer is this: I’ll make the Bush tax cuts permanent, so that millionaires and billionaires can go on paying less in taxes than their gardeners and secretaries until the sun fizzles and drops out of the sky. But in return, the Republicans have to accept my offer: I will only slash Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid benefits by half. No more than that. Okay? Please don’t hit me.”

Meanwhile, House Republicans met with their pants around their ankles on Sunday and continued to resist any tax increases on the nation’s richest citizens and corporations, instead pushing for price hikes on student loans.

“These students are sucking off the government teat, living high on the hog on their free Top Ramen and Macaroni and Cheese, while the job creators are suffering,” said Cantor, speaking from the House floor in a Speedo. “Why, the Koch Brothers could only afford to buy three yachts last month! Three!”

Coincidentally, it was announced that the 400 richest Americans could pay off every student loan in the country and still have $370 billion left over to divvy up amongst themselves – or about $925 million per person.

The House Minority Leader scoffed at that suggestion. “They wouldn’t even be billionaires at that point,” sneered Cantor. “I mean, why go on living if you’re just going to be a lousy millionaire? It’s preposterous!”

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