Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Presidential Badasses -- or Look What You Started, Abe Lincoln, Vampire Hunter!

We just got back from seeing the summer blockbuster, “Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter,” and, hoo-boy, are we mad! We spent almost 12 years in college, and not once did any of those professors ever tell us this stuff!

So, naturally, we started wondering about some of the other presidents and their secret side jobs. After minutes of exhaustive research, we’ve come up with a list of other movies that need to be made. Observe:

Woodrow Wilson, Werewolf Wrangler: Geoffrey Rush sheds his accent to play the 28th  president of the United States, who eventually decides to involve America in World War I. World War I, of course, being the war against werewolves. Things are gonna get hairy!

Jimmy Carter, Zombie Crusher: Kindly peanut farmer, no more! Greg Kinnear’s sweet face will turn deadly serious when he turns the 48th president into a full-on zombie crushing hero. If you’ve got brains, you’ll see this movie!

Richard Nixon vs. the Mummies: The 46th president – played once again by Sir Anthony Hopkins – is desperate to keep something under wraps … a legion of mummies, of course! Tagline: “I am not a crook – I’m a mummy masher!”

William Howard Taft, Ninja Warrior: Philip Seymour Hoffman packs on the pounds to play the role of our most portly POTUS, who slips into the black robes of the ninja and swings across the rooftops of Washington, hurling ninja stars at opponents of his attempts to lower tariff rates. Tagline: “Taft: This time he’s gonna break more than the bathtub!”

Martin Van Buren, Mall Cop: Starring Colin Firth as the mutton-chopped menace. Don’t cross  the Dutchman, or he’ll kick your cinnabons clear to Crabtree & Evelyn. Bad guys will leave a trail of tears to Bed, Bath and Beyond.

FDR, Smokey Blocker: Matthew McConaughey takes off in a black Trans Am as Franklin Delano “Bandit” Roosevelt, driving “Blocker” for long haul trucker sidekick Harry S. Truman (a pitch-perfect Ben Kingsley) in a madcap, cross-country race. Tagline: “Breaker, breaker, there is nothing to fear but a bear in the air!” 

Chester A. Arthur, Malibu Lifeguard: Gene Hackman as our 21st president springs into action to keep the beaches of Southern California safe from hungry sharks, dangerous riptides and excise taxes.
Tagline: “This summer, get wet with Chet!”   

Millard Fillmore, Eye, Ear, Nose and Throat Man: Prepare to cough up some Oscars, Hollywood! Alec Baldwin brings the 13th president to the big screen, unveiling Fillmore’s secret life as an otolaryngologist. Tagline: “This summer, Whig out with Millard!”

George Washington, Iron Chef: Tagline: “I cannot tell a lie. These pancakes are delicious!”

William Henry Harrison and Benjamin Harrison, Pawn Stars: Robert Downey Jr. takes on the role of our 11th president, William Henry Harrison, patriarch and owner of the World Famous Tippecanoe Pawn Shop, which he runs with his grandson, our 23rd president, Benjamin “Big Hoss” Harrison, played  by Zach Galafianakis.  

 (Woodrow Wilson, Werewolf Wrangler, Jimmie Carter, Zombie Crusher and Richard Nixon vs. the Mummies courtesy of Aly Semigran of Hollywood.com)

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