Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The Rominator: "I'll be back -- to retroactively retire!"

Mitt Romney campaign advisor Ed Gillespie now says that Romney “retired retroactively” from Bain Capital in 2002. That is, in 2002, he climbed into his hot tub time machine, went back to 1999, and retired from the company he had been President, CEO, Chairman of the Board and sole shareholder of all those years,  collecting a salary of at least $100,000 annually.

Welcome to the summer's biggest blockbuster: The Rominator.

In a world where the Etch-a-Sketch isn’t enough, send The Rominator!

The Rominator: A human-looking, apparently unstoppable cyborg named Mitt Romney, or The Rominator, is sent from the future to fix all of Mitt Romney's past mistakes before he can ruin Mitt’s chances to become President in 2012.

It’s a brilliant strategy. So brilliant, in fact, that the Romney campaign has announced that, as of today, he has also traveled back in time to 2006 and retroactively vetoed Romneycare, the Massachusetts health reform law Romney created and signed as governor of the state in 2006. Hasta la vista, Romneycare!
In addition, the Romney campaign has announced that The Rominator has taken the following retroactive steps:

* Traveled back in time to retroactively change his early positions on abortion, stem cell research, gay rights, immigration, gun policy and climate change to comport with the new, “severely conservative” Romney positions.

* Traveled back in time to 1983 and retroactively took Seamus, the family dog, off the roof of the car.

* Traveled back in time and retroactively closed his bank accounts in the Caymans, Bermuda, Luxembourg and Switzerland.

* Traveled back in time to March 12, 1947, and retroactively convinced his parents not to name him Willard.

* Traveled back in time to March, 1975, and retroactively founded Apple Computer and Microsoft, making him the richest man in the world and King of the Internet.

* Traveled back in time to May, 1997, and retroactively wrote the first Harry Potter novel.

* Traveled back in time to 1912 and retroactively steered the Titanic around the iceberg.

* Traveled back in time to 1952 and retroactively developed the polio vaccine.

* Traveled back in time to 1879 and retroactively invented electricity.

* Traveled back in time to 1776 and retroactively signed the Declaration of Independence.

* Traveled back in time to 1491 and retroactively discovered America.

* Traveled back in time to the Stone Age and retroactively discovered fire.

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