Friday, September 21, 2012

Mitty the Moocher

Folks, here´s a story ‘bout Mitty the Moocher
He'll punk ya worse than Ashton Kutcher
Got rich on other folks' trouble and trials

Hid his money away on the Cayman Isles

Heedey-hee-dee-hee-dee hee
Hidee-hidee-hide de dough

He lived high on the hog like old Mister Burns
Refused to release his tax returns
Ain’t nobody he won’t offend
He says, “Corporations are people, my friend”

Heedey-hee-dee-hee-dee hee
Hidee-hidee-hide de dough

When they hit the consulate in old Benghazi
Mitt got his facts all fuzzy-wuzzy
He called the President a terrorist
Mitt when you’re gone, you won’t be missed

Hidee-hidee-hide de dough

He got his mansions and dancing horses
Each meal he eats is a dozen courses
He makes more money than he can count
Hides it away in a Swiss account

Heedey-hee-dee-hee-dee hee
Hidee-hidee-hide de dough

Way down in the Florida town of Boca
With every millionaire but Iacocca
He got his millions from Shelly’s casino
And said he wished he was born Latino

Whoooa, yeaaaah
Hey de he de he he
Whoa Whoa

Now Mitt’s got somethin’ to tell you freeloaders
Turns up his nose at your body odors
You work two jobs, can’t barely pay the rent
Still you pay more than Mitt’s 14 percent

Heedey-hee-dee-hee-dee hee
Hidee-hidee-hide de dough

He placed a call to Ryan the youth
The kid’s allergic to tellin’ the truth
He run a marathon like Rosie Ruiz
Now they both got the foot in mouth disease

Hi de hi de hi de hide
Ho de ho de ho de ho
Skiddley doodley doodly do
Skiddly diddly day

Mitt had a dream he was president
But only of the fifty-three percent
On the other 47, he up and quit
Now he’s the president of jack shit

Hi de hi de hi de hide
Skooby de be do
He de he de he de he
Whoa, Whoa Whoa

Poor Mitt, Poor Mitt, Poor Mitt

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Who said it? Mitt Romney or Thurston Howell III?

Now that Mitt Romney's gone the full Thurston, we thought it might be a good time to rerun this one from a few weeks ago:

See if you can figure out who said each of the following quotes, Willard Mitt Romney, or Thurston Howell III (The Millionaire on “Gilligan’s Island”):

1. “Moolah, moolah, moolah.”

2. “No one can pull the wool over my eyes. Cashmere maybe, but wool, never!”

3. “Let Detroit go bankrupt.”

4. “Corporations are people, my friend.”

5. “If I can’t go first class, I won’t go at all.”

6. "I'm not a big-game hunter. I've made that very clear. I've always been a rodent and rabbit hunter. Small varmints, if you will."

7. "I like being able to fire people who provide services to me.”

8. “Dash it all, Lovey, I’ve three-putted again.”

9. “An election! That’s wonderful, I’ll spend millions on my campaign!”

10. "I'm running for office for Pete's sake, we can't have illegals.”

11. “I must dash down to Argentina to get a new string of polo ponies. It’s just that I hate to ride a used polo pony.”

12. "I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there.”

13. “Counting my money’s made me sleepy.”

14. "I'll tell you what, ten-thousand bucks? $10,000 bet?”

15. “The masses are so easily amused, aren’t they?”

16. "[My wife] drives a couple of Cadillacs.”

17. “I’m sure you’d like to know what my learned opponent thinks, for example, of slum clearance, of tideland oil drilling, of free school lunches. I would like to meet him in face-to-face debate on public transportation, coconut conservation and high-rise dwelling.”

18. “It is rather difficult being rich. If it wasn’t for the money, I’d rather be poor.”

19. "I get speaker's fees from time to time, but not very much."

20. “I hope that provisions have been made for my bag of gold aboard your raft.”


1. Thurston Howell III
2. Thurston Howell III
3. Mitt Romney
4. Mitt Romney
5. Thurston Howell III
6. Mitt Romney
7. Mitt Romney
8. Thurston Howell III
9. Thurston Howell III
10. Mitt Romney
11. Thurston Howell III
12. Mitt Romney
13. Thurston Howell III
14. Mitt Romney
15. Thurston Howell III
16. Mitt Romney
17. Thurston Howell III
18. Thurston Howell III
19. Mitt Romney (from February 2010 to February 2011, Romney earned $374,327.62 in speaking fees)
20. Thurston Howell III

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Romney: "Obama will lie in debates. Also, he's a Mormon."

In an interview with ABC News’ George Stephanopoulos, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney predicted that President Obama would lie in the October debates.

“I think the challenge that I’ll have in the debate is that the president tends to, how shall I say it, say things that aren’t true,” said Romney, before adding: “Also, he’s a Mormon.”

Romney went on to attack President Obama’s business career as CEO of Bain Capital, his one term as Governor of Massachusetts, and his seemingly endless series of foreign policy blunders.

“And don’t forget,” Romney said, smiling at the camera, “that time Obama tied his dog on the roof of his car. Is this really the kind of guy you want in the White House? I don’t think so.”

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Romney: ‘I should have consulted Herman Cain on Libya’

One day after his colossal Libya blunder, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney conceded his mistake, and said he should have consulted former rival Herman Cain before shooting his mouth off.  

“Let me be perfectly clear,” Romney said. “Herman Cain made a complete fool of himself last November when he was asked about Libya. But compared to me, he looks like Winston Churchill. Consequently, I probably should have consulted Herman before I spoke.”

In an interview with The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel editorial board last November, Cain struggled to answer a question about U.S. foreign policy toward Libya.

“Okay, Libya,” said Cain, glancing up. Then, after a nine second (yes, nine full seconds) pause, he asked, “President Obama supported the uprising, correct? President Obama called for the removal of Gaddafi. Just wanted to make sure we’re talking about the same thing before I say, ‘Yes, I agreed. No, I didn’t agree,’” said Cain.

“I do not agree with the way he handled it for the following reason,” Cain started, before cutting himself off. “Nope, that’s a different one.” Cain shifted in his chair, adjusted his jacket, and looked up again for another nine (yes, nine more) seconds, before adding: “I got all this stuff twirling around in my head.”  

“Herman Cain looked like a buffoon on that day,” Romney said. “But at least he had the good sense to just hem and haw and stare off into space. I would have been a lot better off if I had done that, rather than jumping the gun and shooting off my big bazoo the way I did. Consequently, I have appointed Mr. Cain as my chief foreign policy advisor, and will refer any further questions about the middle east to the former president of Godfather’s Pizza. God knows, he can't do any more damage than I've been doing.”  

Asked to comment, Cain said, “I’ll be fine, as long as nobody asks me who the president of Uzbeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan is.”  

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Paulnocchio on his convention speech: “Most awesome moment since that time I won the Super Bowl”

Republican Vice Presidential nominee Paul Ryan, speaking about his speech at the Republican National Convention, said that it was his “most awesome moment since that time I won the Super Bowl, playing quarterback for the Green Bay Packers.”

Ryan’s remarks came while delivering a speech in his hometown of Janesville, Wis.

“When I finished my convention speech, laying all those facts out there in front of the world like I did, it was just like when I threw that winning touchdown pass with just 14 seconds on the clock to beat the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XLV. That was totally awesome!” Ryan shouted, pumping his fist like a frat boy at a kegger. “I totally nailed Obama with my awesome speech, just like we won the Super Bowl that day, thanks to my awesome record-breaking MVP performance.”

Ryan then recounted his triumphs at the recent Olympic Games in London, claiming he won “several” gold medals in track, before turning his attention to Obama. Ryan accused the President of gutting Medicare, and then blamed him for the closing of Janesville’s G.M. plant in 2008. He also blamed Obama for 9/11, the Iraq war and the Hindenburg disaster in 1937.

When asked later by reporters about the veracity of his claims, Ryan said, “We’re not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact checkers. If General Custer had listened to the fact checkers, he never would have won the Battle of the Little Big Horn. Then where would we be?”