Monday, March 11, 2013

My cover letter for Pope

Dear Sir or Madam,

As a former altar boy and sometime-wearer of funny hats, I was excited to learn that the Catholic Church is seeking to fill the position of Pope.

While the majority of my working career has been spent in the publishing field as a writer and editor, I have recently decided to widen the scope of my job search to include Supreme Leader, Poobah or other Ruler-type positions.

While I have no practical experience as a world religious leader, I was an altar boy from 1968-1973, making All-Conference in 1972, mostly on the strength of my bell-ringing. In addition, as I mentioned, I have worn funny hats at times, and I believe I would be really good at bossing around other guys in funny hats, which, I understand, is one of the key responsibilities of being Pope.  

Also, I have several ideas which I believe might help the church appeal more to key demographic groups, such as teens and ‘tweens. For instance:

* Replace bland, boring communal wafers with something tastier, like Slim Jims or pizza slices. Perhaps you've heard that Hostess Brands, Inc., is for sale? Why not purchase the Twinkies or Ding Dongs brand, and replace the wafer with one of those?

* Jazz up our confession boxes by turning them into photo booths, so people can have goofy pictures of themselves taken while confessing their sins.

* How about a reality show? I was thinking maybe a hidden camera, Ashton Kutcher-type show, featuring the Pope playing practical jokes on unsuspecting celebrities, then, when they get really upset, I'd yell, "You just got Pope'd! Or maybe just have a camera crew follow the Pope everywhere. Call it, Here Comes Holy Boo-Boo. Or maybe Pimp My Popemobile? I'm just spitballin' here...

* Two words: More Exorcisms!

That is just a taste of the type of snappy ideas you will get with me as Pontiff. Believe me, there are lots more where those came from!  

While my preference is to fill the position of Pope, I would also be willing to consider the position of Anti-Pope.

Thank you in advance for considering my qualifications. I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.


Gregory Mandel

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

A Day That Really Ties the Year Together

Are you employed, sir?

If you answered “Yes,” then you are, most likely, at work today. While that’s far out, man, we here at The Daily Wedgie have declared today a national holiday. A day of rest, if you will. We’re calling it … Lebowski Day. Or Dude Day.

“What’s this day of rest shit?” you ask, adding: “There’s no holiday on March 6th. Am I wrong?”

Well, no, you’re not wrong. But new shit has come to light. And clearly you’re not privy to all the new shit. Plus, obviously, you’re not a golfer.

You see, 15 years ago today, on March 6, 1998, “The Big Lebowski,” the Citizen Kane of rug micturation movies, was released, introducing us to The Dude. And as we all know, The Dude is a lazy man. Quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles County, which would place him high in the running for laziest worldwide. So you can see how being at work on today of all days is verrrrry unDude. So we’re going to need you to drop what you’re doing, go home, put on your bathrobe and pour yourself a Caucasian. Now put on a cassette tape of whale songs – or perhaps some Creedence – smoke a little Thai stick if you’re into that sort of thing, and abide with our third annual Dude Day Wedgie. Or Day of El Duderino, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.

You can start by reading this new shit, which we discovered last night in Van Nuys, lodged against an abutment:

Funny Stuff, Trivia and What Have You

In the Parlance of Our Times: The f-word and its variations are spoken 281 times in “The Big Lebowski.”

The Dude says the word “man” 174 times in the film.

You Want a Toe? I Can Get You a Toe, Believe Me
A severed toe can last up to six hours and still be reattached successfully; 24-30 hours if it’s placed in a baggie and put on ice.

Careful, Man, There’s a Beverage Here!
White Russian:
2 oz. Vodka
1 oz. Kahlua
Half and half (acceptable substitute: nondairy creamer)
Served over ice in a rocks glass

And now it’s time to see just how “Dude” you really are, with this Little Lebowski Quiz.

1. Are you employed, sir?
A) Yes
B) No
C) What day is this?

2. What do you do in your spare time?
A) Golf
B) Occupy various administration buildings
C) Bowl, drive around, the occasional acid flashback

3. What color is your vehicle?
A) My Hummer is yellow
B) Blue
C) Green, with rust coloration

4. When do you pay your rent?
A) When you own, it’s called a “mortgage”
B) The tenth
C) Far out, man

5. Do you have any Kahlua?
A) No, but I do have some watermelon schnaaps
B) No, I’m fresh out
C) Does the Pope shit in the woods?

What was the subject of Little Larry’s homework?
A) The Constitution of the United States
B) I don’t know, the little prick’s stonewallin’ me
C) The Louisiana Purchase

Mark it, Dude
Now that you have achieved in the modest task that was your charge, it’s time to tally up your score.

For each A) answer, you get 0 points.
For each B) answer, give yourself 5 points.
For each C) answer, give yourself 10 points.

How Dude are you:
0-15: You’re being very un-Dude
16-30: You are the walrus
31-59: I dig your style, man
60: You abide