Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Twas the Night Before Halloween

Twas the night before Halloween
At the Wedgester’s apartment
But Wedgie wasn’t saying boo
‘cause he was behind in the rent

So he turned out the lights
And sat in the dark like a dummy
Just sat there all night
As quiet as a mummy

Until the sun came up
On Halloween morn
Still Wedgester just sat there
Eating Tootsie Rolls and Candy Corn

Then from outside his door
There arose such a din
He thought it was the aliens
Come to probe him again

He crept to the door
And peered through his peephole
And what he saw in the hall
Sent a chill through his soul

‘Cross the hallway he spied
Some trick-or-treaters there lurking
One dressed as Miley Cyrus
So painfully twerking

Behind her another  
costumed even stranger
‘twas Anthony Weiner
Dressed as Carlos Danger

A mustachioed guy in a beret
with a gun gave him a jolt
Dressed like a sprinter
With a sash that read: Saddam Hussein Bolt  

There’s the new Pope, Francis
In pointy hat and fancy nighty
And Breaking Bad’s Walter White
In gas mask and tighty-whiteys

Then Silvio Berlusconi
With a blonde and some fettuccine alfredo
And right behind them came a guy
Dressed as a Sharknado

There, of course, was a pirate
Hopping around on a stump
And someone dressed as a pregnant belly --
Kim Kardashian’s baby bump

And two hours late,
Justin Bieber, looking so swank
With a pet monkey on a leash
And a Belieber – Anne Frank

Finally, when all the trick or treaters
Had come and had gone
Wedgester, still at the peephole,
Stifling a yawn

Saw a giant orange head
With a grin that was insaner
Than a barrel of chimps
Wedgester threw open his door and cried out, “John Boehner?”

But it wasn’t the Speaker
‘Twas just his landlord
Carrying a pumpkin he’d carved
Into a decorative gourd

His landlord said, “Ain’t she a beaut?
I hand-carved and hand-picked it.
And then I just dropped by
To say you’re evicted.”

Wedgester gave up the ghost
And shuffled down to the dumpster
Crawled in and went to sleep in a puddle
Of what he hoped was Worcestershire

A little while later he awoke
And knew it was all a bad dream
For his butt was quite sore
And an alien, looking down, said, “Happy Halloween!”

Monday, October 7, 2013

The story of Johnny Appleseed, as reimagined by Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan

Excerpts from “Bad Apple,” the story of Johnny Appleseed as reimagined by Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan, starring Bryan Cranston as the American folk hero, and Aaron Paul as the apple planter’s one-time student.

Scene I.

Johnny Appleseed’s house. Johnny is talking with his wife, Skyler.

Skyler: You know, I’ve been thinking we should buy that Wagon Wash over on Eubank. It’d make a perfect cover story to launder your cider money.

Appleseed: Not right now, Skyler. It’s too dangerous.

Skyler: John, if you’re in danger, we should go to the constable.

Appleseed: I don’t want to hear about the constable…

Skyler: But if it’s either that or you getting hit with an apple when you open your front door… You are not some hardened criminal, John, you’re in over your head.

Appleseed: Okay, we’re done here…

Skyler: John, please. Just admit you’re in danger!

Appleseed: Who are you talking to right now? Who is it you think you see? Do you know how many apple trees I plant a year? I mean, even if I told you, you wouldn’t believe it. No, you clearly don’t know who you’re talking to, so let me clue you in. I am not in danger, Skyler, I am the danger. A guy opens his door and gets hit with an apple, and you think that of me? No. I am the one who plants!

Scene II 

Johnny Appleseed, wearing a pot on his head, sits in a covered wagon with Jesse and Mike, riding through the desert as throbbing rap music plays. They pull up in front of a group of rival cider dealers.

Mike: Your play, John. You’re on your own.

They exit the wagon and face off across from Declan and his crew.

Declan: Looks like you’re about 1,000 gallons light here, Mike. Where’s the juice?

Appleseed: Apple juice isn’t coming.

Declan: Why’s that? Who the hell are you?

Appleseed: You know. You all know exactly who I am. Say my name.

Declan: Do what? I don’t have a damn clue who the hell you are.

Appleseed: Yeah you do. I’m the planter. I’m the man who almost killed Snow White.

Declan: Bullshit. Evil queen got White.

Appleseed: You sure?

Declan looks at Mike, who shakes his head. Declan and his men suddenly look nervous.

Appleseed: That’s right. Now, say my name.

Declan: You’re Appleseed.

Johnny: You’re goddamn right!