Saturday, March 12, 2011

Attack of the 50-foot Boehner

A glowing, 50-foot-tall John Boehner today criticized President Obama for not fully embracing nuclear power and other energy issues. It wasn’t clear whether Boehner’s gigantic proportions and phosphorescent orange glow were the first signs that the radiation leak from Japan’s Fukushima Daiichi nuclear plant, which exploded early this morning, has reached the U.S., or if the House Speaker has simply received too much radiation from overuse of tanning beds.

“The Obama administration has consistently blocked American energy production,” Boehner said while towering above the Capitol Rotunda, his gigantic head smashing through the Capitol dome and bobbing ominously above the building. “They’ve cancelled leases for new deep-sea exploration and imposed a de facto drilling moratorium in the Gulf of Mexico, all because of a little accident down there.

“The President has also jeopardized new nuclear energy, which has proven to be a very safe and clean form of power,” added Boehner, even as radiation continued to leak from the Japanese plant, sparking worldwide fears of a meltdown. “He’s even against giving additional tax breaks to the big oil companies that Republicans have been begging for,” said Boehner.

The colossal Speaker then began weeping radioactive tears that splashed down onto the floor of the Capitol building, immediately dissolving the famous Minton tiles. He then raised his enormous head and roared, emitting a giant plume of fire that engulfed the Senate chambers. Boehner then smashed the Capitol with his massive fists and stormed off. He was last seen trampling the Botanical Garden and stomping on the Smithsonian, crushing the venerable museum and research complex into tiny matchstick-sized splinters of unrecognizable debris, before heading off in the direction of the White House.

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