Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Workers Evacuate Michele Bachmann As Stupidity Leaks Rise to Dangerous Levels

Workers at stupidity-spewing Michele Bachmann temporarily suspended operations and evacuated the Congresswoman’s office in the nation’s capital Wednesday after a surge in stupidity made it too dangerous to remain there. The action dealt a setback to Congress’ frantic efforts to stem a stupidity crisis in the Tea Party favorite’s brain following her most recent explosion of ignorance.

"All the workers there have suspended their operations. We have urged them to evacuate, and they have," Secretary of Stupidity Earl Timmons said.

Timmons said that a surge in idiocy levels Wednesday morning meant workers were unable to continue even minimal efforts at the stricken Congresswoman’s head.

Haz-mat suited workers had been frantically trying to increase the Minnesota Republican’s intelligence level since her latest eruption of stupidity last weekend, when she told a crowd in New Hampshire, “You’re the state where the shot was heard ‘round the world at Lexington and Concord.” After being informed that the battles of Lexington and Concord took place in Massachusetts and not New Hampshire, Bachmann blamed the media for overplaying her “gaffe.”

Some 200 Tea Partiers who attended the event later tested positive for Moronium, a chemical element which is apparently manufactured in Michele Bachmann's brain.

Today’s evacuation was the latest in a series of setbacks at the imbecilic Congresswoman’s cranium that has heightened fears of an intelligence meltdown in the nation’s capital. Workers had been attempting to force-feed intelligence into Bachmann’s brain by reading to her from 3rd-Grade level American History textbooks, but that plan was abandoned when Bachmann began spouting incoherently about “President Obama’s teleprompter.”

The New Hampshire gaffe was just the latest moronic leak from the Republican presidential hopeful, who just a few weeks ago stated that, “The Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States." This after previous intelligence meltdowns, in which she claimed:

* that Terry Schiavo was “healthy”
* that “there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas”
* there are "hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design”
* that President Obama’s trip to India was costing the taxpayers “$200 million a day”
* that the United States might "move off the dollar" onto a "global currency."
* that there should be an investigation into which members of Congress are “pro-America” and which are “anti-America.”
* that Calvin Coolidge got us out of the Great Depression, while FDR started the depression by passing “the Hoot-Smalley Tariff" (The Smoot-Hawley Tariff was sponsored by two Republican senators and signed into law in 1930 by President Herbert Hoover, a Republican. FDR didn't even take office until 1933.)

The government has ordered some 500,000 people in the vicinity of Bachmann to stay indoors. Some minor idiocy was also detected in Baltimore, 40 miles to the north, and triggered panic buying of books and magazines there.

The Dunce Detection Agency estimated that 95 percent of Bachmann’s brain has partially melted. "We don't know the nature of the damage," said Wanda Mattingly, spokesman for the DDA. "It could be either melting, or there might be some holes in it. The level of stupid is too high for us to get an accurate reading. But we are concerned that, if the wind changes, her dim-wittedness could be scattered over a wide area, affecting millions of people. It could even get into the food supply."

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