Sunday, March 6, 2011

A Day That Really Ties the Year Together

Are you employed, sir?

If you answered “Yes,” then you are, most likely, at work today. While that’s far out, man, we here at The Daily Wedgie have declared today a national holiday. A day of rest, if you will. We’re calling it … Lebowski Day. Or Dude Day.

“What’s this day of rest shit?” you ask, adding: “There’s no holiday on March 7th. Am I wrong?”

Well, no, you’re not wrong. But new shit has come to light. And clearly you’re not privy to all the new shit. Plus, obviously, you’re not a golfer.

You see, 13 years ago today (yesterday, actually), on March 6, 1998, the greatest film ever made, “The Big Lebowski,” was released, introducing us to The Dude. And as we all know, The Dude is a lazy man. Quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles County, which would place him high in the runnin’ for laziest worldwide. So you can see how being at work on today of all days is verrrrry unDude. So we’re going to need you to drop what you’re doing, go home, put on your bathrobe and pour yourself a Caucasian. Now put on a cassette tape of whale songs – or perhaps some Creedence – smoke a little Thai stick if you’re into that sort of thing, run a hot bath and abide with our first annual Dude Day Wedgie. Or Day of El Duderino, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.

You can start by reading this new shit, which we discovered last night in Van Nuys, lodged against an abutment:

Funny Stuff, Trivia and What Have You

From the book, “Two Gentlemen of Lebowski,” by Adam Bertocci, which retells “The Big Lebowski” as written by William Shakespeare:

The bowling green. Enter The Knave, Walter and Donald, to play at ninepins.
WALTER: In sooth, then, faithful friend, this was a rug of value? Thou wouldst call it not a rug among ordinary rugs, but a rug of purpose? A star in the firmament, in step with the fashion alike to the Whitsun morris-dance? A worthy rug, a rug of consequence, sir?
THE KNAVE: It was of consequence, I should think; verily, it tied the room together, gather’d its qualities as the sweet lovers’ spring grass doth the morning dew or the rough scythe the first of autumn harvests…
WALTER: Indeed, a rug of value; an estimable rug, an honour’d rug; O unhappy rug, that should live to cover such days!
DONALD: Of what dost thou speak, that tied the room together, Knave? Take pains, for I would well hear of that which tied the room together.
WALTER: Didst thou attend the Knave’s tragic history, Sir Donald?
DONALD: Nay, good Sir Walter, I was a-bowling.
WALTER: Thou attend’st not; and so thou hast no frame of reference. … Cast it from thy sieve-like books of memory, Sir Donald; thou art out of thy element.

In the Parlance of Our Times
The f-word and its variations are spoken 281 times in “The Big Lebowski.”

The Dude says the word “man” 174 times in the film.

You Want a Toe? I Can Get You a Toe, Believe Me
A severed toe can last up to six hours and still be reattached successfully; 24-30 hours if it’s placed in a baggie and put on ice.

Careful, Man, There’s a Beverage Here!
White Russian:
2 oz. Vodka
1 oz. Kahlua
Half and half (acceptable substitute: nondairy creamer)
Served over ice in a rocks glass

And now, another excerpt from “Two Gentlemen of Lebowski”:

ACT 1, Scene 5
The bowling green. Walter has accused Jack Smoke of crossing the line.
WALTER: Thou cross’st the line, Jack Smoke, O cavalier,
As clearly demarcated in our rules,
In tumbling past the throw. ‘Tis play most foul.
JACK SMOKE: But see the pins struck down in fair play’s course!
Knave, mark mine eight of nine pins; mark it eight. …
WALTER: Smokey, this be not the foul jungles of the darkest East Orient. This be ninepins. We are bound by laws….
JACK SMOKE: Yea, but –
WALTER: Be I wrong?
JACK SMOKE: Thy words are hard; I must equivocate.
Put up thy pen, that I may mark it eight.
WALTER: Nay! I do protest, and draw my sword;
It shall teach thee to disobey my word.
Mark none but none into that bowler’s frame,
Else thou shalt enter into a world of pain.

And now it’s time to see just how “Dude” you really are, with this Little Lebowski Quiz.

1. Are you employed, sir?
A) Yes
B) No
C) What day is this?

2. What do you do in your spare time?
A) Golf
B) Occupy various administration buildings
C) Bowl, drive around, the occasional acid flashback

3. What color is your vehicle?
A) My Hummer is yellow
B) Blue
C) Green, with rust coloration

4. When do you pay your rent?
A) When you own, it’s called a “mortgage”
B) The tenth
C) Far out, man

5. Do you have any Kahlua?
A) No, but I do have some watermelon schnaaps
B) No, I’m fresh out
C) Does the Pope shit in the woods?


What was the subject of Little Larry’s homework?
A) The Constitution of the United States
B) I don’t know, the little prick’s stonewallin’ me
C) The Louisiana Purchase

Mark it, Dude
Now that you have achieved in the modest task that was your charge, it’s time to tally up your score.

For each A) answer, you get 0 points.
For each B) answer, give yourself 5 points.
For each C) answer, give yourself 10 points.

How Dude are you:
0-15: You’re being very un-Dude
16-30: You are the walrus
31-59: I dig your style, man
60: You abide

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