Anti-gay bigots from Westboro Baptist Church who showed up at a Minneapolis Chick-fil-A today to support the embattled chicken chain were shocked to find that Chick-fil-A may not be “guilty as charged” when it comes to close adherence to the Bible.
In a hastily-formed press conference in the restaurant parking lot, surrounded by church members carrying crudely-scribbled signs that read, “God hates your Bacon Egg & Cheese Biscuits!” and “Pork Dooms Nations,” Westboro pastor Fred Phelps told reporters, “Lookee, we’re all for Chick-fil-A’s campaign against the gays, but Dan Cathy needs to read what the Bible says about his breakfast menu. I quote Leviticus 11:10: ‘And the swine, because it parts the hoof and is cloven-footed but does not chew the cud, is unclean to you. Of their flesh you shall not eat, and their carcasses you shall not touch; they are unclean to you.’ And yet, when I went to order from Chick-fil-A’s breakfast menu, there it is, big as life: Bacon, Egg and Cheese Biscuit. And right next to it, the Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuit! Now, I don’t know about you, but last time I looked, bacon and sausage both got swine in it! So the question I got for Dan Cathy is, why do you shake your fist at God and say, ‘I know better than you what constitutes a breakfast sandwich?’”
Phelps was interrupted by The 700 Club’s Pat Robertson, who was also eating at the restaurant to show his support. “Hey, Phelps!” yelled Robertson. “That jacket you got on – what’s it made of? Looks like polyester to me!”
“So what?” said Phelps, checking the tag on his cheap windbreaker.
“Leviticus 19:19!” yelled Robertson. “I quote: ‘You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together."
“Well I’ll be damned,” said Phelps.
“You sure will!” said Robertson. “God hates your jacket!”
Robertson chortled, but was interrupted by Minnesota Republican Michele Bachmann, who was also dining at the holier-than-thou eatery. “Look who’s talking!” yelled Bachmann. “Pat, your haircut looks kinda bowl-shaped to me.”
“So what?” said Robertson, smoothing his thinning, gray hair.
“Leviticus 19:27!” bellowed Bachmann. “’You shall not round off the hair on your temples or mar the edges of your beard.’ See you in hell, Robertson! Say hi to Pete Rose for me! And Moe from The Three Stooges, too!”
“Dangit,” said Robertson. “I’m gonna have to listen to the Beatles every damn day for all of eternity!”
Bachmann laughed, until she was struck in the head by a stone, tossed by portly Fox News talk show host Mike Huckabee.
“Die, harlot!” yelled the former Arkansas governor.
Bachmann fell to her knees, blood streaming down her face. “What'd you do that for?” she said, rubbing her forehead.
“That gold ring you’re wearing,” said Huckabee. “And that pearl necklace. You’re shaking your fist at God!”
“That’s my wedding ring!” said Bachmann. “And my husband gave me the necklace for our anniversary.”
“1 Timothy 2:9!” yelped Huckabee, firing another rock at the dazed lawmaker. “’Women should adorn themselves modestly and sensibly in seemly apparel, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly attire.’”
“Drop the knife, Tebow,” said Sarah Palin, pumping a 12-gauge shotgun and aiming it at the quarterback’s midsection. “You’re no better than fat boy, there.”
“What are you talking about, Sarah?” said Tebow. “I’m devout, you know that!”
“Leviticus 11:8,” said Palin, jabbing the shotgun into Tebow’s ribs. “The part about pigs. Quote, 'You shall not eat of their flesh nor touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you.’ You play football for a living, Timmy. What are footballs made of?”
Tebow hung his head in resignation. “Pigskin.”
“Yup,” said Palin.
But before she could pull the trigger, Rush Limbaugh walked out of the store carrying an armload of chicken sandwiches. “Hold on a minute, Sarah,” he said. “What about you? You eat crab. Heck, there’s even a crab sandwich named after you – the Sarah Palin Alaskan Crab Wrap Sandwich.”
“You betcha,” said the former half-governor. “And it's delicious, too! So what?”
“Leviticus 11:10,” blared the bellicose radio host. “And I quote: ‘But anything in the seas or the rivers that has not fins and scales, of the swarming creatures of the waters and of the living creatures that are in the waters, is an abomination to you.’”
“Aw, crap,” said Palin.
“That’s right,” said Limbaugh, stuffing a Spicy Chicken Sandwich Deluxe into his giant mouth. “You’re an abomination!”
But before he could swallow, Fred Phelps hollered out, “Hey Rush, how many times you been divorced?”
“Just four times,” said Limbaugh. “Why?”
“Jeeze, Rush,” said Palin. “That’s an easy one. Mark 10:9 and 10:11. It’s adultery. Plus, let’s face it. We got ya on the glutton thing too.”
“Yeah, well, so what?” said Limbaugh, cramming his face full of waffle fries. “At least I’m not gay!”
The others, Phelps, Robertson, Huckabee, Bachmann, Tebow and Palin, all spoke in unison. “Amen to that!”