Thursday, August 16, 2012

Paul Ryan would be ‘most ripped’ V.P. ever? Not so fast! Check out these other sculpted veeps

Pssst! Hey, have you heard? Paul Ryan works out! Yes, the Republican vice presidential candidate does something called the P90X workout, as the buffet grazers in the beltway media have gushed over and over.

The other day on Fox News Radio’s Kilmeade & Friends, noted Fox foof Steve Doocy said this about Paul Ryan: “P90X, the Tony Horton workout. … Paul Ryan does this workout every day. … He could be the most ripped Vice President in history!”

Yes, Paul Ryan is “ripped.” He’s also "shredded," “buff,” “toned” and “cut,” depending on which “news” outlet you’re watching.

Abmaster Elbridge Gerry
But would Ryan really be the “most ripped” V.P. in our nation’s history? You sure about that? Have you seen Elbridge Gerry’s abs?
Back in the day, there wasn’t a lot of “news” about our Veeps working their cores, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t TOTALLY CUT, DUDE!

Here are just a few toned Number Twos (along with their workout regimens) who could possibly give Ryan a run for his buff money:

Aaron Burr, Pilates -- Everyone knows Burr was a stone-cold killer (he offed Alexander Hamilton in a duel, after all), but did you know he also had killer abs? According to historians, Burr owed his six-pack to the grueling pilates regimen he picked up from Benedict Arnold, whom Burr served under during the Revolutionary War. No traitor to his stomach muscles, Arnold, a noted pilates freak, made all his officers work out with various pieces of military equipment in their spare time. Among Burr’s most prized possessions was a copy of Arnold’s first workout tape, “Benedict Arnold’s Cannonball Abs.”

George Clinton, Zumba – Clinton, who served as V.P. under both Presidents Jefferson and Madison, loved his Colombian dance fitness routine, which made him, as he called it, “hunkadelic.” He was said to be particularly fond of incorporating belly dancing into his workout. A supporter and friend of George Washington, Clinton rode with Washington to the first inauguration, where he famously declared, “We are now one nation under a groove!”  

Schuyler Colfax, Buns of Steel – As we all know, Ulysses S. Grant was the very first Bunmaster, and as Grant’s Vice President, Colfax felt obliged to participate in Grant’s grueling noontime workouts. Colfax excelled in the exercise to the point that Grant supposedly dubbed him “The Brute of Glutes.”   

Teddy Roosevelt, Pole Dancer – Well known for his boxing and outdoor activities, few were aware that, shortly after being named William McKinley’s second veep, Teddy had a fitness pole erected in his bedroom in the Vice President’s mansion. According to McKinley’s private papers, the old Rough Rider was an expert in such techniques as the Iguana, Bow and Arrow, the Fan Kick, and the Butterfly. “But Teddy’s show stopper,” wrote McKinley, “was the Back Slide and Shimmy, followed by a Reverse Sunwheel, and finished off with a Double Hook Dismount. O. M. F. G.”

Spiro Agnew, Aerobics – A Richard Simmons devotee, Agnew often attempted to burn off the stress of his many scandals by donning candy-striped shorts and sequined tank tops and “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” in his office. When he was ridiculed for his flashy workouts, he famously attacked his antagonists in the press, calling them, “Swollen sultans of slothfulness.” He was reportedly in the midst of working out to Simmons’ “Dance Your Pants Off” video on October 10, 1973, when he was advised by his lawyers to resign the Vice Presidency due to criminal charges of tax evasion. Before the day was over, Agnew “felt the burn,” becoming the second vice president in our nation’s history to resign.   

John Adams, Tae Bo – Before Billy Blanks, there was John Adams. Few know that our nation’s first Vice President invented the Kick Boxing craze. “His Rotundity” was apparently turned on to the idea of a martial arts-based exercise routine set to hip-hop music by Benjamin Franklin, who, it’s said, may have been our nation’s first rapper. Indeed, Franklin, who called himself “Hundred Dolla,”  would often roam about his Philadelphia home in the nude, shadowboxing and throwing front snap kicks at imaginary opponents while reciting crude rap songs he’d written after being struck by lightning while flying kites off his roof during electrical storms.  

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