Thursday, August 9, 2012

NASA Rover Lands On Mars, Finds Mitt Romney’s Tax Returns

NASA's rover Curiosity successfully carried out a highly challenging landing on Mars early Monday, transmitting images back to Earth after traveling hundreds of millions of miles through space to explore the red planet. Minutes after touchdown inside a Martian land formation called Gale Crater, the one-ton SUV-sized rover beamed back photos of Mars’ surface.

In a shocking development, one of the first images taken by Curiosity appeared to show a box containing a stack of papers. The box was labeled, “Mitt Romney, Tax Returns, 1975-2009.”   

John Grotzinger, project manager of NASA’s Mars Science Laboratory mission, added context for the image in a written statement.

“Curiosity’s landing site is beginning to come into focus,” Grotzinger’s statement  read. “In the image, we are looking to the northwest. What you see on the horizon is the rim of Gale Crater. In the foreground, you can see what appear to be Mitt Romney’s tax returns. WTF???”

Grotzinger later added that Curiosity had also found evidence that some of Romney’s fortune -- estimated to be at least $250 million -- had apparently been stowed on Mars to avoid paying U.S. taxes.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who has accused Romney of not paying taxes for the past decade, said, "I think what you're going to find, as NASA officials go through these documents, is that my source was right. Mitt Romney did not pay any taxes for 10 years, and now we know why. His money was hidden away out there in the solar system."

Reid refused to confirm or deny a report that his unnamed source is none other than Marvin the Martian.

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus was quick to reply to Reid's contention. "Marvin the Martian is a dirty liar," said Priebus. "He's been trying to destroy the Earth for a long time, and I know for a fact that he's very, very angry."

When asked to comment on the discovery of Romney's tax returns, Romney press secretary Rick Gorka said, “Kiss my ass! Gale Crater is a holy site for the Martian people! Show some respect, you piece of #$%&!”

Meanwhile, Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann held a press conference, urging the State Department’s Inspector General to investigate the mission’s flight director, Bobak Ferdowski, for what the congresswoman called “ties to radical anti-American groups.”

“We all saw Mr. Ferdowski’s bizarre Mohawk haircut,” Bachmann said. “Since Chingachgook was supposedly the last of the Mohicans, we would like to know who this Bobak Ferdowski is, where did he come from, and how did he get his security clearance? Is he a real Mohican? Because, as we know, many of the Mohawk tribes fought with the British against America during the Revolutionary War. I think we need to ask the question, is Mr. Ferdowski pro-America, or pro-Mohawk? And are there any other anti-American Mohicans involved with Barack Obama’s Martian space program?”   

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