Thursday, August 2, 2012

Romney “retroactively” cancels foreign trip as details of more gaffes emerge

Mitt Romney’s campaign announced today that he has “retroactively” cancelled his disastrous overseas trip. Romney spokesman Ed Gillespie made the announcement at a hastily formed press conference in Boston.

“Governor Romney was apparently not feeling well, so he retroactively cancelled the trip to England, Israel and Poland,” Gillespie said. “It never happened.” He then waved his arm in the air and made a magic whooshing sound.  

News of the retroactive cancellation came after details were leaked of even more Romney gaffes that took place during a secret Romney meeting with Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, at Buckingham Palace.

According to the British newspaper The Sun, Romney arrived at the Palace by limousine, and, when it became apparent he had to walk inside the Palace himself, he remarked, “What, you don’t have any car elevators here? You mean I have to walk all the way in there and take a normal person elevator like a sap?”

Then, walking into Buckingham Palace, Romney looked unimpressed. “You call this a palace?” he said. “Meh.”

After a meeting with the Queen, during which the presumptive Republican nominee reportedly sang out awkwardly, “Who let the dogs out? Who, who?” before challenging the Queen to a $10,000 bet on the Olympics, Romney attempted to tie one of Her Majesty’s Corgis to the roof of his limo, but Palace guards intervened. 

On Fox & Friends, co-host Gretchen Carlson seemed confused by Romney’s retroactive cancellation. “You can do that?” she said.

“Apparently you can!” replied a giddy Steve Doocy. “You heard Ed Gillespie, he never left the U.S. So Obama and the liberal press can’t make fun of him anymore. Neener neener.”

Later, Romney himself was asked about the retroactive cancellation. “Yes,” he said, “I was terribly disappointed. I was really looking forward to strengthening our ties with our most important allies, who President Obama has neglected terribly.”

Asked if he were going to give back all the money he raised at lavish fundraisers in London and Jerusalem, Romney said, “I haven’t calculated that. I’m happy to go back and look.”

Later, a reporter asked Romney press secretary Rick Gorka whether Romney had gone back and looked, as promised. Gorka responded testily. “Kiss my ass!” he snapped. “This is a holy day for the American people. It’s Chick Fil-A Appreciation Day. Show some respect, you dumb #%&$!”

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