Friday, August 24, 2012

Nation’s Crackpots Gather in Tampa for Village Idiots Convention

Village Idiots from across the country are making their way to Tampa, Fla., for their national convention, which kicks off on Monday, and local businesses couldn’t be happier.

“We’re all stocked up on paddle-balls, Snuggies and Hank Williams Jr. cds,” said Fawn Butz, assistant manager at a Tampa area Dollar Store. “Plus, we’ve ordered extra tin foil, for those Idiots who forgot to bring their hats to the convention.”

Meanwhile, Gene Lummox, manager of a local Chick-fil-A restaurant, was busy hanging a giant “Welcome Idiots!” banner across the restaurant’s parking lot. He says the restaurant plans to expand its business hours while the Idiots are in town. “Oh, yeah,” said Lummox. “We’re gonna be open 24/7, and we’ve ordered extra lard for the rush.”

The convention won’t be all fun and chicken sandwiches for the Idiots, though. There’s serious work to be done, such as formally nominating their candidates for President and Vice President, and giving speeches about the things they believe in, such as:

  • Tiny, magic sperm-killing angels who live in your ladyparts are able to “shut down” your baby maker when you get raped, but only if it’s “legitimate” or “forcible” rape, and therefore if you get pregnant from rape, you weren’t really raped, know what I mean? Nudge-nudge, wink-wink
  • Women who use birth control are “sluts” and “prostitutes”
  • People lived at the same time as dinosaurs
  • Evolution isn’t real
  • Climate change isn’t real
  • Sharia Law is a real threat to American cities
  • Voter fraud happens all the time, everywhere, despite statistics that prove the opposite
  • Trickle-down economics works, despite the fact that it never has
  • Paul Ryan is a “budget guru” and a deficit hawk, even though the numbers in his budget don’t add up, and he voted for the Iraq and Afghanistan wars  without paying for them, voted for the Bush tax cuts and their extensions (twice) without paying for them, voted for Bush’s prescription drug entitlement without paying for it, and voted for TARP. But hey – he voted against and railed against Obama’s stimulus (then secretly wrote letters to the White House begging for stimulus money for his district, saying it would create jobs, but remember, the stimulus didn’t work!)  
  • We should continue to give oil companies billions of taxpayer dollars in subsidies, despite the fact that they are the most profitable industry in the history of industries
  • Corporations are people, my friends
  • Workers should not be allowed to organize
  • There should be no minimum wage
  • There should be no child labor laws
  • There should be no EPA
  • Public schools should lay off their janitors and poor children should be hired to take their place
  • This country would be a lot safer if EVERYONE carried guns. For instance, in the case of the Aurora, Colo., mass-shooting, if everyone had just pulled out their guns and started blasting away in a darkened, smoky, chaotic theater at the gunman who was covered from head-to-toe in bulletproof armor, then, you know, it would have been a lot safer   
  • President Obama is a secret Muslim who spent 20 years going to a Christian church and listening to Rev. Wright, a Christian, who somehow influenced him with his Christian sermons, even though Obama is a secret Muslim
  • Obama is a secret homosexual who secretly married his college roommate
  • Obama is an Arab
  • Obama is the Antichrist
  • Obama hates America and goes around the world apologizing for the U.S., even though he hasn’t
  • Obama is a socialist
  • Obama let Arizona gun sellers sell a bunch of guns to the Mexican drug cartels so that a lot of Mexicans would be killed by gun violence, which would then make Americans so mad about all the Mexican gun violence that they would let Obama take away our guns
  • If he gets a second term, Obama is going to take all of our guns away. We can tell he’s going to take our guns away because, in his first term, in a diabolical plan to lull us all to sleep, he’s done absolutely nothing to indicate he is going to take our guns away 
  • If Obama wins a second term, he is going to hand over sovereignty of the United States to the U.N., and then we’ll have a bunch of slimy Eurotrash surrender monkeys carrying man purses mincing around Texas in their faggy sky-blue helmets and telling us what to do
  • Obama didn’t want to kill Osama bin Laden, and had to be talked into the mission by Hillary Clinton
  • Obama didn’t make the decision to go after bin Laden, Admiral William McRaven did
  • The Affordable Care Act will enact Death Panels to put grandpa on an ice flow and push him out to sea
  • An uninsured person should be denied health care and forced to lie down and die in the street rather than be admitted to a hospital, yet:
  • Forcing uninsured people to purchase health care (made more affordable by Obamacare) is Armageddon, the end of the world as we know it, the death of freedom in America, the sinking of the Titanic and the crash of the Hindenburg all rolled into one, and the day the music died  
  • Allowing gay Americans to marry their partners somehow ruins marriage for everyone else
  • Gay people choose to be gay
  • Gay people can (and should) be “cured”
  • We should not only build a fence along our border with Mexico, but that fence should be electrified
  • Little girls should not be given the HPV vaccine (which prevents cervical cancer) because the vaccine can cause “mental retardation”
  • Obama shouldn’t have gone into Libya
  • Obama should have gone into Libya sooner
  • Saddam had WMD
  • Iraq attacked us on 9/11
  • Our soldiers should still be in Iraq, and they should stay there indefinitely
  • We should leave our soldiers in Afghanistan indefinitely
  • We should start a war with Iran
  • The people who convinced us that we needed to invade Iraq are still The Voices of Authority we should listen to when it comes to matters of foreign policy (of Mitt Romney’s 17 foreign policy advisors, 14 come from the Bush administration).
    And, of course:
  • Obama was born in Kenya and is covering that fact up with the help of the State of Hawaii, the Justice Department, and the Big Kahuna.
    Here’s how the conspiracy works:
    When Obama’s mother, Stanley Ann Dunham, a poor white girl living in Honolulu and attending the University of Hawaii, married a foreign student from Kenya in February, 1961, on the island of Maui, she was already three months pregnant. Despite the fact that, as Donald Trump himself puts it, “everyone wanted to become a United States citizen,” she chose to fly all the way to Africa and have the baby there instead, because, you know, health care was so much better in Kenya at the time. She did this even though she somehow knew then that 50 years later her child would become the first African-American President of the United States, and, in order to do so, would have to be an American citizen. So, with the help of her parents, a scheming World War II vet and his conniving bride, the homemaker who’d worked at Boeing during the war, she developed a cunning plan. First they bribed doctors, nurses and officials at the Kapi'olani Maternity & Gynecological Hospital in Honolulu, convincing the hospital to send a bogus birth announcement to the Hawaii state Department of Health, which, in turn, issued a counterfeit certificate of live birth. Next they bribed the editors of two separate Honolulu newspapers, The Honolulu Advertiser and the Star-Bulletin, to run identical phony birth announcements stating that the future President was, indeed, born in Honolulu. Not content to stop there, they bribed many friends of Ms. Dunham’s in Hawaii, and still more friends in the state of Washington, where she visited with little Barack one month after his birth, convincing all of them to attest to their dastardly lie. It all worked beautifully, and would have continued to do so, if it weren’t for that meddling billionaire, Donald Trump. Oh, and both the short form and long form birth certificates that Obama’s released aren’t enough, because they’re both fakes, which we know because a Russian dentist wearing a hilarious wig and the Barney Fife of Arizona told me so.

    There you have it. Welcome, Idiots!


  1. Could not stop laughing! Or as my kids say: ROTFL

  2. Or as Clint Eastwood would say, SOSYAC (Standing on a stage yelling at a chair)